Emily’s letter in my yearbook.

Sunday, June 20, 1999.

I’ve been clean for three and a half months for Emily by the way. That’s how much I care about her.

I don’t know what the last stuff I wrote about was and it doesn’t particularly matter. I started to write in Emily’s den, but it doesn’t feel right to write without my own pen, especially in this book. {Hilarious. I’m still particular about the pen I use to write in my journals. What a head case I am.}

I read this book to find where Emily, who is now my girlfriend, first entered it. I was hoping to find out that it was her I loved and wanted all along, not Katrina. The problem I found was that Emily was taken throughout all of the times with Katrina, yet whenever I could I would get as close as I could to eventually ask her out.

As much as I hate to say it, Katrina was who I went to to wait for Emily. I guess it was the perfect choice in order to stay close to Emily. Love works in mysterious ways.

I look through all my drug notes and depressive, depression insights and wonder how the hell I am still alive after all the shit I did and wonder how I and Emily ever managed to build a relationship after all that she did, and all that I did, in the last year or so.

Lesson to the wise, from the wise. {Oh you’re wise? That’s rich!} Drugs, no matter how small the drug seems to be, or how little your habit appears will get you, and you will lose your life. The good news is, it doesn’t have to be permanent.

I myself, just tonight, have removed all that remains of my weed habit and and all that remains in the way of Emily and I. Just a few small things of Natalie’s that she wouldn’t and didn’t like to know I still had. Pictures, etc.

Emily and I have managed to find each other through impossible odds. We made it through everything and we’re now a happy a happy couple of one month. Although, to me, we’ve been together since the day she told me she had feelings for me in Timmies. That was the day I knew that she would be mine and that we were meant to be. Anniversary May 18th. {My GOD that’s a date! You stupid, silly man! A DATE! We started dating on May 18! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! A date! I’m excited. Can you tell? So happy! Then in the margin I wrote “One month. (Two days ago) when this was written. That makes this June 20! Firm date. *Fist bump.*}

I only regret the amount of time that it took. I wish that there could have been a faster way, but there was not and I don’t care now because she is my girlfriend.

Her and I have made love. I use this term after much personal debate. I know that every single time we were intimate to the level of intercourse that it was completely out of love.

I find myself filled with joy and happiness every time I think of any of the particular situations.

I am not her first. I do not mind. {Liar.} Gord was not a lover to her. He was but a mistake, and I find it better not to confront her with small annoyances as him. I prefer to let our relationship grow uninhibited by the past, yet effected by past experience as learning experiences.

She does not like that I did drugs which could effect her in a very personal way. I leave it alone as I do not wish to perpetuate bad thoughts and/or feelings into our relationship.

I love to be around her. I draw her now, and we intend to make a tradition of at least one portrait a month of her.

She is so supportive of my art that I am now becoming somewhat pompous and arrogant. {Yeah that never went away.} I suppose that is a good thing. I simply never found it personally appealing to see arrogance in another individual, and especially never thought of it as becoming in men. Chris the perfect example of inappropriate arrogance.

I have a portfolio interview for OAC art tomorrow. I had no confidence until I spent a few hours with Emily. Now I feel as though I deserve 100 percent on all my pieces.

Note: I managed to impress Em’s dad with the first of my ink drawings. I thought that was cool and artistically flattering.

I am going to give my arm a rest. Back in 5 with a new train of thought. {Choo choo!}

I will enjoy spending time and getting to know her family, and her past, childhood.

I have a new job on base as a FOS2 (Chef’s hand) at the Vimy Men’s Mess for the summer. I wash dishes or pots depending on my daily assignment. The job is not as important as the people I meet there.

Job, Jason. He is a chef. He worked in prison systems and has a preoccupation with gay sex and sex in general. He is cool and knows of Emily and made a relatively proud face when he saw how gorgeous my girlfriend was and knew I never lied to him. Especially after insulting Rob’s “dog of a girl”, girlfriend. {I’m pretty sure that I have never called anyone’s girlfriend a dog. I am pretty sure I’m referencing this guy’s quote.}

Rob, Work. He is the same as I am in job situation. {I guess that means he’s a FOS2 as well.} He has only a few teeth, and seems almost childlike in origin. {Didn’t we all originate from Children?! He was uneducated and immature.} But advantages are a purity of mind and body. He apparently has an ugly common law partner. Ugly only by opinion of my coworkers. I have not seen her for myself. Either way she’s not as gorgeous as Emily, that’s an impossibility. He has a preoccupation for attention, however. He, on occasion, has the need to make himself more important than he is and acts as though people care more about him more than they more than likely do not. {I’m as lost as you but that is how I wrote it…}

Hue: Nickname, Dew. He’s the guy that showed me the ropes. He’s cool. Goes to Napanee High and is graduating next year. I think. He’s a smart kid, and a fun coworker, really.

There is another guy who is fanatically occupied with sex and nipples. He’s a taxi driver on the side. Funniest stories of all about the fares he picks up.

Anyways, I’m tired. and I’m writing like a slob. I’m going to bed.

June 8, 1999.

Hey Drew,

Ummmm … … let me think. You’re doing great so far you know. You don’t seem at all nervous. Wow! You make me so proud.

I quite frankly feel bad about your “break up” with Jeff. I just don’t think you would be doing this if it weren’t for me. Obviously Jeff has changed but do you think you would be going along with it if it were not for me? I just feel bad I guess. Does this “breakup” include Chad as well? I am just wondering because it’s going to make the situation very difficult  if you are no longer friends with Jeff but remain friends with Chad. You must know that no matter what you decide I will support you. I have put a lot of thought into whether or not I am willing and able to be around them. It was uncomfortable this morning when you said I would have to learn to be around Jeff. I felt threatened. Even if I ignored him it would be very uncomfortable to be around him anyways and if you think about it, it would be hard on you too. I don’t want you to ever think that I would give you an ultimatum. I would never do that to you. The reason i felt it would be better to talk to Jeff in person is that it is more personally. You guys have a tight history and I was thinking it would be best in person. However, it would be very difficult and it could possibly start something. I really don’t know now which you should do.

It’s up to you and i trust your judgement. I’m sorry for getting upset this morning. It’s just that I really need you today and I felt I was being ditched for Jeff at a time when you knew I needed you. I guess I was just hurt and disappointed. I’m okay now thought. I’m just not having a good day. Well I don’t know if you are going to appreciate this letter and i would have liked to make it more positive but I’m just not in a positive state of mind. Talk to you soon.

I love you,
Emily
xxx

poEm.

Far too fast in an eighty zone
We need to get her home
It’s dangerous this I know this
with Just one kiss sealed in bliss

Driving towards an unknown
Sun bouncing off an angelic face
This is crazy. I control loose
She touches me. She feels it too

In the silence of our confusion
you and I in endless love
no words only emotions
God I love this woman

Through your hate i found your love
love lain naked you present your soul
in my care you place it with trust
it is your most precious gift to me.

June 2, 1999.

Drew,

Hey you! There you are standing at the chalkboard preparing your “half-assed” presentation and you know what? I am proud of you. Not only because you’re standing up there in front of 20 people but for other reasons. I’m proud of you for hanging in there and not giving upon me. I have put you through so much and it amazes me that you have not run away screaming. Lets face it, my depression is not easy to deal with. I’m proud of the way you deal with it. You are always there for me no matter what. You never tell me what to do, you just tell me that you love me and need me. That in itself tells me what to do. You take away all my fears. Andrew. When I am with you nothing can touch me. Nothing can ever hurt me. I’m also proud of you for just being yourself. You do not follow others, you follow your heart and your soul. I’m just glad it lead to me. I’m proud of you for having the courage and honesty to admit to me that you did drugs again. That meant a lot to me. I love the way you support me no matter what. I’m proud of all the way you are able to put faith in me and us. You are the most amazing individual I have ever met. and I am proud to be your girl. I just smiled at you standing up there and at that moment when you smiled back I felt you gaining strength from me. That’s amazing isn’t it? You make me so happy. Sometimes I just want to jump on top of this desk, point at you and say “God I love this man!”. one of these days I will, you just wait.

I keep thinking of things I want to say to you but it’s so hard to put into words. Oh you know what? I just thought of yet another aspect I love about you. I love how when we are “together” you do not just call it sex, you call it “making love”. Do you have any idea how much I like to hear you say that? I wish I could put it into words. I am going to wrap this up now but saying that I love you more than anything and I am very proud to say my boyfriend, my love, my confidant is you; Andrew.

Love always,
Emily
xxx

{Written on the back of the letter.}

Andrew, If there weren’t 20 people around I would kiss you with my chocolate lips.