October 31, 2014.

I feel anxiety today. I feel sad today. I can recognize the anxiety because it makes it hard to breathe. It’s harder to recognize the sadness. When I realize I’m sad is when, hour after hour, I’m thinking of old girlfriends. Going a different direction after college. Not being with Ann Marie. Those things are triggers for me to realize that I am sad but they don’t heal the sadness.

I feel like I do it all and it’s never enough. I can’t think or breathe and that makes it worse. Like a mouthful of water when you’re trying to swim.

I know that what you do is near impossible. But when I think you’re doing well I’m happy. So when you say that you’re slipping I slip right along with you.

Andrew, October 9, 2014

A gift from my wife (new journal) Ann Marie on our 10th anniversary.

Another journal. I love the empty journal. It’s so full of hope. I always intend on writing until the end but nothing gets me writing like a new notebook.

It is our 10th anniversary and things are hectic. So hectic that Ann Marie and I barely have time to talk much less do anything else. I’m so stressed and tired all I want to do is bury myself in TV. Right now it’s Dexter.

The girls are in Sparks. I forgot about it and now Evie is crying and Charlotte is amping herself up. I just bribed them to stop crying with TV. I hate doing that but it works. I watched so much TV when I was a kid and I don’t think it hurt me but who knows.

Ann Marie is finishing up her second year at SLC/Laurentian. Three more years and she’ll be done. I hope to quit my job at the bookstore. Maybe I’ll fall in love with that place between now and then. Doubtful. One day, maybe when I’m old I’ll be able to compose all my journals together.

The kid’s TV show is driving me crazy but I’m too comfortable to move.

My thyroid is fucked and it’s time for it to die. I will be doing the radiation treatment Tuesday the 13th. I hate the idea of it but Dr C makes me feel very comfortable.

I know that in a few months this will all be behind me and my family but I’ll be left permanently hypothyroid. I will have to take working out a lot more serious. Taking a pill for the rest of my life sounds horrible. Better than dying I suppose.

I’m tired of writing already. Very disappointing.