Letter dated April 27, 1999.

Andrew,

After I read your “goodbye” letter all I could think was “how could he say those things to me?”. I was in tears and wanted to die. I’m just curious; you say that all I did was “use you” so why would you still want to be with me? You said I said “Hi” to everyone but you….that is bullshit! I made a point of saying good morning to you and said nothing to Jeff and Chad. Why did you stand outside my classroom for so long in the morning? What the hell were you doing? Wow! You sure do have a way of showing your love. I’m sitting in the caf crying (because of you) and you just up and left without a second glance. That was classic! You also spent much of the day glaring at me right along with Jeff. That was enjoyable! I don’t understand you Andrew. You claim that you love me and then you turn around and say such horrible things about me?! You practically called me a whore for fuck sake!! Talk about being hurt. I am leaving things up to you now. If you decide you’re going to be more rational about things, let me know. If you decide you are sorry for insulting me, let me know. If you decide you have even a little respect for me, let me know. I guess that’s all there is for me to say. ….. the rest is up to you but please do not waste my time with more insults.

– Emily

{I think we can all agree that I got off light. I get the feeling I’m either missing a portion of the angry letter or that, and I hope this isn’t the case, I wrote two horrible letters. There’s reference here to not saying hello to me, etc, which wasn’t mentioned in the letter I typed. Must have been a different letter. Let’s all collectively thank 17 year old Emily for dating her letters.}

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An appalling remonstrance.

{Undated but set a week before Emily’s dated (thank you) reply. For the record I’ve said the F word out of anger to my wife twice. They were such horrible fights that I am sad to think about them. I know that this is not how you speak, especially write, to another person much less a person you proclaim to love. None the less here it is verbatim, in all my adolescent, jealous rage. I was clearly insecure in the time between Emily breaking up with Gord and starting to date me. I didn’t know what she was thinking or if she would come back to me. I thought she might have used me as a reason to break up with Gord. I was a foolish child. I clearly took everything personally. I’m ashamed I ever wrote this. I’m also not going to comment after this portion. It’s all bad.}

Emily,

If you want me back in your life you have to do some stuff for me in return for the three and a half months of shit I did for you.

  • Tell Dan to fuck off and not to touch you or talk to you.
  • Tell Mike he’s your friend and will never be anything more and stop leading him on.
  • Tell Gord to fuck off and never speak to him again.
  • Don’t wear shit that other guys gave you.
  • Admit to yourself that you love me and/or did love me.
  • Tell me you love me and that fucking me meant something to you because I don’t believe it did.
  • Commit to me as a girlfriend and let me be the only one for you.
  • Hold me above all other guys in your life.
  • Get rid of everything Gord related in your house.
  • Never speak of him to me again as you expect me never to talk about my year and a bit involved in drugs. (If I can put a year behind me and never talk about it again you can too.)
  • Oh yeah, and don’t meet Russ in person.

If I am important to you, which I know I am not, do this stuff, then maybe I can believe that you love me enough to be with me. I know that you won’t. I don’t expect you to. If you do I will be very surprised.

Have a nice life. I say once again, GOODBYE!

Andrew.

Another angry letter.

{Undated}

Emily,

You’ve asked me if I hate you. There’s only one reason I could possibly hate you. Although I don’t think I could ever. But if I were to I’d hate you for trying to fix your relationship with Gord. It was dead a long time ago and I just wish you could see that. Whether he loved you before is irrelevant, he doesn’t now, I can see that, why can’t you see that?

I forget, you can see that, you just choose to ignore it because you cannot admit to yourself that you gave your virginity away to an asshole like Gord. Someone who quite possibly could have said he loved you just to get in your pants!

I may have lied to you. I may have said I hate you. If so I do not hate you, I pity you. You have the profile of a battered wife and yet cannot accept that there have are much better men out there. Who can love you, and care for you. And all they need is a kiss to know they love you.

I am not one of these men. One of these men would not wait for you this long, nor would they write brutal and insulting letters towards you. For this I am sorry. If your eyes or ears ever have the misfortune of reading or hearing these words, you have broken me.

You have stretched out my love for you to the limits of my soul. Or connection is so strong that the mere mention of Gord pulls us apart, or together, depending on the good or bad.

 

If you say it enough maybe you’ll believe it.

{Undated.}

Russ does not bother me.

You meeting him does not bother me.

You cannot possibly have with him what you do with me.

I do not feel threatened by him. I do not feel threatened by him. I do not feel threatened by him. I do not feel second to him. I am NOT second to him.

She would choose me over Russ.

I would never put her in that position obviously.

I love her too much.

I care about her far to much to do that.

DAN! DAN! DAN! {There are two pentagrams drawn under the name}

Dan is not her friend. He is there for personal benefit.

Dan is a caring, loving friend with no personal motives. Dan does not want her back.

I know otherwise but I also know he can never have her back.

Even if I do date Emily, even if I marry her, I cannot call her mine because she doesn’t like to feel like a possession.

i must not take it personally when she does not say hi to me.

Always be aggressive. Fight for her. Fight to be close to her!

We must transcend the fight between us.

– see it from other people’s views

  • AJAX
  • Friends
  • Family
  • Andrew
  • Sarah

Must see the future together, ignore. Set goals to be together.

We know we’re happy without this situation.

You stated that you were more than happy ot work on a relationship with me.

You say constantly, and I know that before this fight, we were and you were happy.

Happiness is all you were looking for.

Dan, Mike, and Russ do not threaten me, and our love for each other.

They are just your friends.

Love is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. {Are you sure? It sounds like you’re going through emotional hell.} and I am experiencing it with you. The real thing.  I love you.

Making love to you was the most intensely beautiful thing I have ever done in my life and means more to me than anything I have.

Friends, family, material possessions.

A fire burns this pencil. Emily burns inside me. A passion. A desire.