“Pain has its reasons. Pleasure is totally indifferent.” – Francis Placibia

It feels like we should just say fuck everything, we know we belong together, and kiss in the middle of the caf to let everybody know we’re together.

I want that so bad.

She doesn’t know what she wants. She doesn’t know what will happen between us. She does however know that she loves me.

I have to admit that at times it is a very scare thing when I don’t know how she feels.

Jeff and Chad see how much she hurts me and have started to be rude towards her. She bitched at me so I told Jeff. Jeff may or may not want to change and I will more than likely find out what happens tomorrow.

Chad does not believe that I love Emily, or he is at least skeptical.

Jeff thinks I am being jerked around. I have to admit at times he’s right. I know this but I love her.

I went ‘cruisin’ for chicks’ with Chad Friday. it was fun enough. I would have preferred to go out with Emily, but those are the breaks. Life sucks ass sometimes.

I’m failing 2 of my 4 OAC classes miserably. Oh well I guess I’m not A quality. Too much going on to focus on school. My life is very tough with Emily right now.

I feel like I am losing Joel and Dan and Jay {Best friends from Embrun. Family was only posted to Kingston in 1996 and I tried hard to keep in touch. They all came down for a visit once but it wasn’t meant to last. Dan and I are still great friends though we reconnected after college. [Thank you Facebook!].} They have their own lives, which is to be expected, but I wish they could make time for me. I was going to drive up there on my own but Jay and Dan left for a concert., and Joel had to work and do school work. He never even ended up doing school work but I guess that doesn’t matter too much to him that he could have seen me. That hurts a lot. I really needed to talk to him on Friday.

I worked all day for a dirty jew and only got $40. {Yes I know. Inexcusable. The reason I was mad was because Jeff and I were asked to help this guy move. We worked for 9-10 hours and he paid us $40 each. That doesn’t excuse the antisemitism but that is the reason. I know it’s not right. I was a very immature 17 year old and I don’t want to compromise the authenticity of these entries through censorship..} That pissed me off. Then, while pissed off, I went out with Emily and got her royally pissed off with me. She is still pissed at Thursday and it is Tuesday for God’s sake.{Could really have used dates. 😦 }

My life royally sucks right now. All I need to fix it is Emily but I can’t tell her that because then she’s under pressure. That isn’t fair to her.

I’m fucking done for now.

Kiss my ass.

Suck it.

A letter to Emily

{Undated.}

Emily,

I write to you in fear. I am afraid that you are afraid of me. I am afraid that you are unsure of your future with me. What scares me the most is that you, if even for a moment, or an hour, minute or day, think that you would be happier with Gord.

You then went to him, not days before, said he would accept the decision despite the outcome as long as you were happy. I do not know the details, but when you told him the truth he did not live up to his original statement and through whatever method convinced you that what you were feeling was wrong.

I know that your feelings are never so easily depressed. I have seen tonight that they were still there. This is very weird for me. I see you love me but I also see you hiding and suppressing these feelings when you are around me.

If you’re curious I feel your love in the way that you touch me. I can see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice. As weird as it may seem I can even feel your love coming through the messages coming over ICQ.

This massive amount of signals and emotions that I see and feel in you are what makes it so hard for me to see you still with Gord. He refuses to let you go although he knows you’ll be happy and you’ve already made the decision to this effect. This does not make me feel good. It seems to me that he is more serving his own wants than allowing you to be happy. I know that you want to follow your true feelings. It hurts me to think that you have tried to leave him and failed. All I want is for you to keep trying. I want you to be happy and I know that you and I belong together. We would be happy together. When you come down to it that’s all that really matters in life.

You said to me that you were scared to follow your feelings, and I cannot help but wonder why you had the guts to do it in the first place. Why did you start down this road if you could not follow through. I know you are scared but if you wish to be happy and believe you can find it in me, then you should not be held back by anyone.

Look at me. I follow my feelings and that is why I am so close to you. My feelings say I love you and feelings do not lie. That is why following them is the only sure way to be happy. I know what you are thinking; what do I know about difficulty in following feelings? Let me ask you this; do you think I was following my heart or brain when I went to Gord’s house to talk to him that night? To tell him that I love you and that you deserve better. I was following my heart. It could have ended badly. It could have gotten me into a fight. It was the right thing to do, I felt it in my heart.

{Oh my God! I forgot that I did go to talk to him in barracks after I had slept with his girlfriend, twice! I was pissed that he wouldn’t let Emily go. I wanted to see what he was thinking. I was so mad when he didn’t even seem like he cared. All I can remember was saying “Emily is amazing.” and all he said was “I know”. Argh!}

You know in your heart what you want and I know the truth would make you happy and I know that it would make me happy too. You have to find the power in yourself that I know is there.

Use the power I see in you daily that makes you stand up to guys who hurt your best friend or the power that keeps you from blowing up and my friends to preserve the us in our relationship.

I think I should stop writing. It has been a couple of hours. I don’t know when you’re going to come across this letter to read it so I’ll probably want to read it to you over the phone. I have to stop now or my hand is going to fall off.

I love you and I know you love me too.

Andrew

Letter dated March 25, 1999.

{Emily dated her letters! *Happy dance*}

Andrew,

Hey you, how you doing? You seemed really upset this morning. Have you figured out what was/is wrong with you yet? I’m sorry I got suspicious of you this morning when you were asking me what I did last night, it’s just that it seemed like you were drilling me for information. It upset me because it sounded like you thought I had to explain myself to you. I know now that this was probably not you intention. It also seemed like you were annoyed at myself and Jeff’s playful flirting. Is this so? To tell you the truth Andrew it feels as though you are closing yourself off to me. You just aren’t acting like yourself. Why are you doing this to me? Things are definitely different between us now and I don’t like it. In fact I hate it.

Anyways I’ve said it before and I will say it again. I do miss you a lot.

Love, Emily.

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More notes back and forth.

{Undated.}

Andrew I feel so useless, I can’t do anything to make you happy on a day like this.

Emily On these days nothing/no one can make me happy…

Andrew Then what good am I on these days? I feel so distant from you when you aren’t happy. Don’t get me wrong, I love you and I’m not changing any thoughts. I just wonder what you think.

Emily No matter how I feel, you always get a smile or two out of me… you know that I’m stronger when I’m around you. You are a lot of good to me.

Andrew Ok.

Emily Are you sure you can handle my depression? 😦 I really hope you can.

Andrew You obviously have only begun to understand how much I love you and the endless mountains I would climb to be with you. We both believe NOTHING will get in the way of us.

Emily I love you Andrew {Andrew’s last name.}.

Andrew I’m going to miss you so much tonight. I am going to worry too.

Emily Worry?

Andrew I always worry about what will happen at your home and how it will hurt you.

Emily Thank you for caring so much.

Andrew I wouldn’t be the man that you loved so much if I didn’t.

Emily *kiss* *hugz*

Andrew *kiss* *hugz*

Enter Emily, literally.

{Undated. This one is weird. I know that Emily and my first time was during her relationship with Gord before they broke up. I just have no idea where it fits into the timeline. This entry follows the last on on the same page of the journal but it starts with the words ‘the next day’. The last one ends with ‘(3 weeks ago.) Hard to follow. This little asshole has really pissed me off by not recording dates. Hard to believe this person grows up to love history. Pffft! )

{Amendment: Moved back a week to March 23 due to the discovery of the March 25th letter.}

The next day, after school, she {Emily} comes over for the ride home. We start to fool around {on the couch downstairs. We agree that my bedroom would be more appropriate.} and things go really far and we go all the way. I was safe and wore a condom, but we made love. {I don’t even ‘make love’ to my wife. We fuck like normal people.} It was the most beautiful experience of my life, I loved it. {As I recall now as soon as Emily put the tip of my penis against her opening I started feeling like I was going to cum. I could take pride in that I made it inside for three pumps but it was exactly what you’d expect a boys first sexual experience to be. Emily was sweet of course. I only think about it as lame now that I’m a man. As a boy she made me feel like a God. I was glowing when I told Jeff 2 hours later.}

{I am minimizing this experience out of embarrassment but this was a flood of firsts for me. When we were fooling around and her bra came off that was the first time I’d seen a bare breast in real life much less touched it or put it in my mouth. Also, more memorably, when she took her panties off, while I was putting on the condom, it was the first time I’d ever seen a vagina in real life. In all honesty I could have probably cum right there if I stared at it too long. It was a truly overwhelming experience. I could not have asked for a better first time or a better first time partner. Though later in these journals I will show resentment for Gord and the fact that he was her first, the 35 year old me recognizes that her quiet confidence and understanding in these moments, the moments I define as perfect, were only possible because she knew what to expect. Now to more sad stuff.}

We did it again the next day {In the exact same pattern. Making out downstairs. Moved upstairs. Had sex. I can’t remember if I made it more than 3 pumps though… I’d like to say at least 4 but that’s optimistic.) We both regretted it. It had turned from a beautiful loving thing into a “that was fun let’s have sex again” thing. {Yeah! Dude. C’mon they can’t all be your first time.}

Neither of us regret the act we just regret how quickly we let it happen again. {That’s fair especially considering Emily is still with Gord at this point. She must have been going through so much I can’t imagine.)

The experience between us needed to happen. Over the last few months the sexual tension between Emily and I has been mounting and we would have exploded if this did not happen.

After the two times I expected a relationship naturally but she needed time still to get over Gord.

She saw him twice shortly after they had broken up. I never trusted her and bitched at her, but I trust her now. {Sadly, no you don’t. You’re an insecure 17 year old. It’s not your fault though.} I hate all of her guy friends but I love her enough to see past that.

Right now we are not on the greatest of terms because we are fed up with the situation.

Passing notes in class.

{Undated. Totally guessing with this one.}

Andrew Are you scared?

Emily Of what?

Andrew Going home.

Emily Yeah.

Andrew Please don’t be. Call me when you get home. We can just relax.

Emily Okay. How are you doing?

Andrew I’m okay. Everyone so far is supportive, and I am personally happy. But I am bothered by all the stuff you’re going to have to go through to be with me.

Emily I will NOT give up… I love you way too much to give up. Please try not to be worried. I know you will be but at least try for me.

Andrew I will try, just know that I am here now and for a very long time. There is nothing I wouldn’t do and don’t be afraid to call my house. My parents understand. If you have to get out tonight just call me.

Emily I will. I just hope my mediation has not clashed to badly. I really cannot handle any shit from my mother tonight. I wish people would just give me a break, ya know?

Andrew I know. You can come over any time you know. I promise you’ll be comfortable, and if you really don’t want to go home after school and you feel too sick to go on the bus, you can get a ride with me later. We’re going to get our car in Bayridge anyway.

Emily I would love to go with you but I am not comfortable around Jeff right now. My mom expects me home by four anyways and I do not want to piss her off even more. Ahhhhh! My leg is itchy.

Andrew Itchiness sucks. I completely understand. It will take some time. and you are DEFINITELY right about not making your mummy mad. So yeah, give me a call and we’ll just “chill” until someone gets home.

Emily Okay. I will call you unless (for some reason) I am too sick I feel horrible. Blurred vision, headache, exhaustion, nausea, weakness, etc. Hurts to breathe.

Andrew You should call someone. I’m sure somebody would come and get you. This could be dangerous. Don’t worry too much, I personally think it’s the clash. {Dr. Andrew. I’m no expert but I’ll have a look.} but I don’t think it can get any worse. But if it does just grab on my arm and we’ll go.

Emily Okay. Thank you for being there for me.

Andrew I will be here for you for a very long time. You’ll always have me to help you. I promise you Emily.

Emily I promise you the same thing Drew. You know I love you.

Andrew I love you soooo soooo much too. I know this will work out. WE’re going to be happy for years to come.

Emily I feel that too. You’re melting me. God I love that.

Andrew Okay. you’re not going home.

Emily Come with me!! He he he. Hotel?

Andrew I would love a hotel.

Emily Me too!

Andrew Maybe we can get it on credit.

Emily God I want you!!

Hooray. Fuck.

{Undated. Moved forward to April after contents in the entry say I must allow for three weeks.}
{Amendment: Moved back a week to March 22 due to the discovery of the March 25th letter.}

Emily dumped Gord. Hooray. Fuck. She says that day that we can be together, but not in an ‘official sense’, she needs time to cool off. (Get over Gord.)(Three weeks ago.)

Letter from a confused Emily.

Andrew,

I am writing you this in response to your email. I had only enough time to check my mail and then I had to get off.

I want to thank you first of all for addressing all of my concerns. I assure you the preceding email was not intended to make you out to be an asshole. I just needed to get my feelings out. Just as you said that you will always be there for me, I will always be there for you. You are very important to me. I want you to know that, yes, I am committed to working this out. You do not need to apologize to me for your friends. It just really hurt me to think they could think that badly of me as a person. Do you get where I’m coming from?

I told you earlier that I did not know what I wanted anymore. What I meant is that I want to work things out with Gord (or at least try to) but it’s really hard when you keep telling me how he lies to me. It really upset me when you told Katrina that Gord was not a one woman man or something to that effect. Is there something you know and are not telling me? I don’t expect you to talk good about Gord to make things easier on me or anything. This is just an explanation as to why I’m still so damned confused.  Gord swears up and down that you are saying these things just to break us up. I can’t believe you would do that. On the other hand I don’t want to believe that Gord has turned out to be another Dan. This is where things in my head become very unclear and confusing.

It also does not help that I have so much other shit going on in my life. There’s issues at home, my supposed eating disorder, my asshole of a math teacher, and there is still this nagging depression. All this combined with “us” is making living very difficult and tiring.

I guess this is where things stand with me. Is there anything you would like to respond to?

I miss you.

Love
Emily.

Figuring out why I hate Gord.

Written in this journal was the event that I found out from Jeff that Emily has feelings for me.These notes are purely for myself to organize all of my thoughts into a clear, collected perception of Emily.

  • Monday I hear Emily has feelings for me.
  • She has had the urge to say, “Kiss me.”.
  • She asks if I have ever had that urge. I say yes.
  • We see Gord and Dillon downtown the same day.

Gord is totally undeserving of her. During the tenure of their 10 month relationship he has managed to hurt her countless times.

  • Inferred the term ‘slut’ to her behind her back in relation to the tattoo she desired to get. (None of his business what she does with her body.)
  • Didn’t want to see her tattoo once it was done.
  • Calls her a slut in so many words and then denies it. Outright lies about it!
  • Promises not to get drunk at the JR’s, then calls her when he is drunk and treats her like an asshole. And try’s to say he is sorry while drunk.
  • Broken trust.
  • Destroyed what honour he had.
  • Sucks with peer pressure.
  • Spends more time with his friends than Emily. Outright admits that he does.
  • Makes no effort to be with her.
  • Doesn’t care. Doesn’t love her.
  • Ignores her on valentine’s day. Does not take the chance to be with her when it was possible.

Emily.

I write this in gratitude
for all that you do
your goodness and kindness
for just being you.

You are the picture of beauty
in all that you do
through sad times or not
your light will shine through

Your humour is endless
your spirit rings true
to no end you help me
by just being you

I’m writing this poem
with little else I can do
but lay here and dream
of being with you.

I know that I’m happy
just being with you.

This poem needs and end
so I’ll bid you adieu
to lay my head down
and think of nothing but you.

{I think I can now say I fully understand the expression ‘hopeless romantic.’}