Monday, June 22, 1998

Designing the perfect trip.

Munchies factor – Tough call. Available munchies shall be large in quantity.

Munchies

Chips : BBQ, Doritos, Plain w/ onion dip, Ice cream, Popsicle, cookies, and milk, popcorn, chocolates, and maybe pizza? {Holy hell!}

To drink : Besides water for while we toke, I want chocolate milk, Pepsi, 7 Up, and Dr. Pepper.

At least a half O {14 grams}, get like 6 or 7, maybe up to 10 of us and have a stoner party.

Candles are a key factor. We’ll need about 10-15 non-scented. Set them up around us. (Jed and I of course.) A good smoking partner is so hard to find. {What the hell is a smoking partner? God this kid is a stoner!} We’ll need 2 incense (something sweet like strawberries or wild berries) I cold water available. {You already said that numb nuts.}

Pillows and blankets on floor for comfort purposes, tables for the candles.

Music : My specialty tape, Ozzy, Jamirique {omg! remember them!? Virtual insanity baby! ha ha}

Remember when I quit weed a week ago?

{Undated.}

I lay in bed pondering my own reasoning. I ask myself why do I smoke pot. I wonder what I would say to someone who posed that sort of inquiry. I thought the answer would be simple. “It’s fun.” or “makes you feel good.” or some other nonchalant, half-brained answer, but I realized it is more than that.

Imagine that you could close your eyes and be anywhere you want. The exhilarating rush of  a roller coaster, or perhaps the warmest beach in palm springs. Where you would find a cool breeze, complimented by curling waves and a just perfect amount of heat from the sun. To me, it is real, it allows me to get out of reality for even a moment. This could be a reason. One among many.

Another very agreeable reason could be the sensations. Personally I will define every sense through my own experience.

Taste : The sensations of taste start from scratch. There is no food on the planet that tastes better sober than it does when I’m high. I will guarantee that.

Sight : All I can vouch for is that everything becomes artwork. The visuals of anything I laid eyes on would become the most beautiful things. Even street lights and traffic lights become an incredible display under the influence of marijuana.

Sound : Sound afflicts me in a way that very few words could describe. Everything that you hear makes you move around in different directions. Your head is all that usually moves but your mind is consumed with the feelings of flying and falling. Soaring like an eagle or swimming like a seahorse. Very stimulating effects.

Smell : Works the same as taste, good smells will melt through my body like butter on potatoes, it warms the soul.

Touch : Best for last. You are 100% aware of your body. I know everything that is happening to it. The simple touch of a warm woman’s hand is ecstasy. Everything you feel is full body stimulation, I love the feeling of a full body orgasm. This is what everything becomes. Those are my best words.

Pervert!

{Undated.}

Call me a pervert, please. I had a dream last night that would make any kid at La Salle very happy.

Imagine this. Me and three other guys {not thrilled about where this is going…} sitting in a room, when all out of nowhere we just start fooling around with this girl. It’s kinda hard to explain what happened. It was like I was doing it, but it was really a faceless person eating this perfect pussy out. {That’s hot.} Then I woke up (still dreaming) and rand around my house looking for my woman. but all I found were like every one of my friends. (Jeff, Joel, Jay; everybody.) Minus Jeff and Dan.

This is when I woke everyone up, so we all needed showers. I open the door to the bathroom and the hottest girls of La Salle were just getting undressed to have a big orgy shower. {What magical thing is this?! Orgy shower?!} I left. (Don’t ask why. I can’t control it.) I came back and it was just 3 left. I think Hailey, Sandra, and Nicole (Didn’t know her in the dream but saw her the next day at school and it associated in my mind.) They were just talking to me walking around naked. The only one I couldn’t remember is the only one I got to touch. She was putting a towel over herself then I decided to peak under the towel at her pussy. When I tried, she turned around, threw off her towel and jumped in my arms and just kept hugging me. I kept asking ‘don’t you have a boyfriend?’ and she kept saying “Oh yeah, he won’t mind.” or something to that effect. This is when I was pulled back to reality. I was very happy. Very happy. Best dream ever. I had no absent or empty feelings. {It was so easy to get teen boys excited. Especially in a pre-internet world.}

Pumpkinfest, Battersea.

{Undated.}

No helmet, scared to death, I sit on the back of a dirt bike, speeding the fastest I have ever been going towards DEATH. No inner voice to alert my conscience mind of the stupidity and outright retarded choice of mounting that dirt bike.

I lived, heavily in thought to be able to say that, but only now do I wish I said something different. I do not like to be so close to death. My own life is something I control, but yet I cannot help but steer it in the wrong direction. I must stay in, sheltered from myself and my ability to take my own life. Under the warm and watchful eye of my loving parents. I am happy.

{My father read this entry in my journal and thought I was planning to commit suicide. He was noticeably distraught when he confronted me. I had to explain to him that the entry was referring to me riding on the back of a dirt bike through farm fields in Battersea with no helmet on. Being scared to death but not being able to get off. He was relieved to find out that I wasn’t suicidal and pissed off to find out I rode around on a dirt bike with no helmet.}

Drugs, drugs, and more drugs.

{Undated.}

There I lay, in the back of my cab, head filled with chemicals, zero juice in the battery, at 3:00 in the fucking morning. Horrible trip, horrible sleep. Horrible day today.

{So the incident I’m referring to is going out to a friend of Jed’s house in the country. We smoked a bunch of weed in their shed. I went and passed out in the truck but it was cold so I turned on the heater. Jed told me not to but I didn’t listen. I woke up around 3:00 freezing because I’d killed the battery. Rough night.}

I am constantly taunted by the amazing pain of loneliness. As I am too young for a lifetime relationship I will and would settle for someone to share my mind with. I need a kindred spirit, who will want to talk to me around the clock. I want…

I stared blankly into the pages to find the words for what I want so that I can finish that last paragraph but they did not come. I wanted to say a friend, a girlfriend, happiness, and a whole other entourage of happy thoughts. But they never came to me. And from where I sit, thoughts appear to be my best bet right now.

Dragon

 

Don’t let anyone tell you weed isn’t addictive.

{Undated.}

It’s been weeks. I’m different. Things of my surrounding world are not as they should be. I am sad, depressed even. More than alone, I am haunted by my own individuality. I feel as though I have been drugged {Probably drugged yourself, jackass.} I am not myself. I’m lying to my parents on a regular basis. I’m losing control of myself slowly but surely.

No more. I will not sit idly by and watch myself be controlled, manipulated, and used. No more will I drive across town on a whim for dope. No more playing nice with people who piss me off. Fuck them all. I will not be the easily persuaded individual I have dramatized myself to be.

{Marginalia} I wrote this as a product of my own society. Where media has turned my mind into a scared, paranoid, jumble of misplaced fears.

{More marginalia} Darkness is my enemy, it hides the faces that have never been seen. I see. In flashes and fragments. I see. I see the evil held within, and feel the ominous vibrations of horrible fears to come.

Animal Stoner Possum

They had sex right beside me!

{Undated.}

The emptiness and loneliness are sometimes too much to bear. I don’t seem to fit in anywhere. I’m accepted in places but the uncomfortable atmosphere sets in and makes me feel out of place.

Jeff and Chad, the two I thought I would never lose, were instantly lost as of the moment they were officially off the market. It’s like, OK, we have girlfriends, what do we need Andrew around for? {Remember this when I get my first serious girlfriend.} I understand in a way. I give them friendship and fun times, goofing around and everything. But then you see their girlfriends who can give them everything that my friendship offered and they have tits. {Classy Drew.} That’s all it boils down to. They wouldn’t feel comfortable making out in front of me so they just don’t talk to me. That way I won’t have to go with them. {In one way this semester was rough because Jeff and Chad were gone. In retrospect it was only because of this that I started spending so much time with Emily.} 

On the other extreme, we have Jed, who offers me whatever I want; alcohol, drugs, parties and pussy. I don’t feel comfortable with it. {What’s the matter with you!? Seriously. Dude.} It’s like women are possessions to him. {Sort of… he just wanted sex.} I had to leave tonight because if I stayed I’d have passed out and gotten raped by skanky-ass sluts he’s always trying to hook me up with. {I don’t think I can offer anything more to that beautiful paragraph. LOL}

Last night I was high as fuck, laying beside Pickles {We were all tripping out on the bed … or so I thought.} and I realize that Jed, not 6 inches away from me, is fucking Jamie (her house). Right beside me, he was drunk, she was drunk, and I was high. I thought I was fucking seeing things or hallucinating or something. But as much as I wanted it to be a figment of my imagination it was not. {omg! I remember that. Ew. It was very, very real.} I had to get out but I didn’t want to embarrass them so I stayed there, shut the hell up, and tried to get back to sleep. I have never been more uncomfortable in my life. {I’d say that is probably still true. At least in my top three.}

Guy Joint

Sober as a daisy.

{Undated.}

It is over. I have ended the constant pollution of my body. Mental pollution can never be stopped but as for chemical pollution I deliberately put in my body, it is over. {For now. LOL}

I cannot explain or begin to describe the emptiness it leaves, nor can I presume to understand myself. {These vapid non-statements are driving me crazy. It’s almost pointless to write this down. Yet I did. Fascinating…}

Two wants or needs in my life that remain constant were woman and drugs. I never had a woman, and now that I don’t have drugs to make me “feel” “happy” (two words which mean less and less as time goes on.)

Even if this anti-drug thing does work, which I seriously doubt {at least I’m being realistic.}, I’ll still have the reputation of a pot head. I don’t know who I am and that scares me. {I don’t know why I was so scared to just let life come as it may} 

Let’s go through the reasons that drugs are no longer in my daily routine.

  1. Friday I was going to be jumped for my bud because everyone else was dry.
  2. The gateway drug concept scares me. I vowed never to do drugs harder that organics, and last night I took PCP. Scary shit. {PCP makes you feel drunk without the hangover. Not sure what 1998 me was scared of. I know he did it again… and again… and again.}
  3. Waste of money.
  4. Chad quit, so the two people I hang around with most are both clean as a whistle, so it’s over.
  5. Who cares?! Drugs suck for all these reasons. I think I may still smoke bud occasionally, but I will not pay for q’s or half o’s.

Anyways, for a while now I’ve been looking for a way to express myself. I could never find it. I looked at writing music, rhymes could never work for me. My art, emotional and powerful {humble guy.}, only if seen through my own eyes. {… so I think it’s good and only I can see why it’s good?} I was motivated temporarily to create a comic book, maybe illustrating my life, the fun I have doing drugs or whatever, but like everything else I start, it never even made it into the air. Best way not to crash I guess. {That’s a defeatist attitude… 😦 }

Jeff and Chad are now both attached at the hip to a member of the opposite sex. {Why couldn’t I have just said they have girlfriends?! Fucks sake. This was Nikki for Jeff and i can’t remember who Chad would have been with, maybe LJ.} So if I go with them on a Friday, I’m the lucky 5th wheel. I can’t do it, I won’t do it.

Anyways, my grand realization is that I never had to express myself in other ways or get myself noticed. My writing in this book is the best expression anyone could ask for! {Question asked and answered. 🙂 } 

You do the math!

{Undated.}

Ok, my dad won’t let me go to a concert in Canada’s Wonderland which I can understand, it’s a four hour drive away, but that’s not why he won’t let me go. He thinks I’ll be doing drugs, which is true. But it’s just the fact that he thinks of that before he thinks of anything else. I mean if he said, just because of the drive, or just because of the ‘no supervision’ for a day thing. But no, the weed. Every God damn time. This really suX! And it’s all because of my mother, if she minded her own damn business {*gasp*} I would never have to worry about it.

Every time I go somewhere it’s “Don’t do anything evil.” {What demon child was I that I needed this reminder when I left the house?! LOL} or “Don’t get into trouble.” Even if I go to Jeff’s, who they know, they do it. It’s really sucks.

But I’m trying. Maybe one of these days he will, but I doubt it. And I’m not going to pressure him.. But I always and polite and offer.

I was thinking maybe the rumours were true. Maybe TV does raise children. I do and say a lot of stuff I saw on TV. Maybe, if I took every part of me that makes me special, I could find a character in some show I stole it from. I mean it was basically all I did for my entire grade school years.{Totally true. I watched all the classics; Cheers, M.A.S.H., All In The Family, Married with Children, Roseanne, and MORE!} This makes me wonder because I spent more time with the TV than I did with my parents…

YOU DO THE MATH!