Today is Christmas. 1:00 am Christmas morning to be exact. I haven’t gone to bed yet. O.k. I have but I haven’t fallen asleep. Too many thoughts float through my head, enough to stir about and contemplate, too much to slow and sleep. I should be thinking of Christ, our savior, but I do not. Our world would have me think of Santa, and all the gifts I am to receive tomorrow morn, but I do not.
I sit here writing and I am still thinking of what has kept me awake for an hour.
When I attended Christmas midnight mass, I was filled with happiness at first, as though I was being filled with God’s light. But after the service, or more near the end I experience a feeling of emptiness. It happened almost directly after I briefly joined hands with Maggie. I began to feel empty. Sorry for myself, something was wrong. I’d like to believe that I was simply feeling the pain of not having a girlfriend or something trivial like that but I know better. It was deeper, more primal, an almost tug on my deepest of feelings. Empty. I was almost devoid of God’s light. I felt abandoned by a force I contemplate the existence of constantly. I don’t know hat it was. I hope it was not God because if it was he has left me.