All school and no girlfriend make Andrew a sad boy.

I find myself sitting in my room, on the floor, watching Toy Story, trying to be happy.I wonder if it’s boredom, I wonder if it’s loneliness. I wonder what I am. Why does Christmas not make me smile? Why does passing and being out of school tomorrow make me feel nothing? {Always looking on the bright side, aren’t we?}

This is college. This s everything that my future is based on and I betrayed myself by letting my education slide.

Maybe I’m tired. Maybe it’s stress. If stress then why do I sleep at night and if I’m tired why do I wake up so early in the morning and go all day?

Mono? Maybe.

I can’t remember when I felt happy as a kid. I feel as though I don’t know what I feel or even believe. I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I remember being in kindergarten in Oakville and crying because kids made fun of me. I remember when I was seven years old and cried myself to sleep because I was afraid of death. Ever since grade 9 I have hated anyone who gives me a weird look or smirk and have been suspicious of them. As I sit here and watch Toy Story,at tempting to make sense of what I have ben feeling I realize that I have been exposed to all the horrible things in this world and have lost the purity of my inner child.I still have the immaturity of that child, but I do not have the innocence.  {Always looking on the bright side, aren’t we?}

I do believe in god now. I prated to him from class in my most suspenseful hour and he listened. Even after all the neglect I have shown him he listened and I am passing. And only because he let me. {That’s some fucked up shit right there.}

I have no control over where I am going, but I will get there my way whether down in flame or up in smoke. Both outcomes bad but at least one makes me feel better.

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