Serious questions.

{Undated. Stands to reason it’s not January anymore…}

It’s been so long. For some reason, written expression is no longer appealing to me. Never the less, I feel it will better me, not only in my state of mind but in my state of being.

Serious questions have arose within me about myself. I’m finding myself depressed that I do not have a girlfriend. {This from a guy who had a girlfriend for all of 18 days.} People, mainly mom, are always saying that I need to go and get one but that is easier said than done. She also said that it doesn’t have to be a perfect girl. Just one to practice on. What the fuck does that mean, mom?! I can’t treat a woman like that. {You fool!} This is why I’m torn. AG is incredibly nice and fun girl and I think she’s attractive but my friends to not. {Remember when what your friends thought could actually influence your life in a significant way?} I keep thinking that if I like her nothing else should matter, but I can’t break away from my friend’s opinions. I am going to try to get close to her, as much as possible without bringing attention to it, and if I truly care about her then fuck them all! I’ll do what I feel in my heart to be right.

I am a day away from second semester. And, suffice it to say I am in complete physical pain. Every joint, muscle, and bone in my body hurts. I can barely stand up. Oh well, I’m not going to be a baby, I think woman find that to be weak, so I’m going to say what happened and live with it. MACHO MAN! WOO!

I got a name for my bong now. Get ready to meet and greet “Bada bing bada bong!” Cool name. Fairly original and clever too! YaA!

Jeff and I are going to Boston this summer, {Not surprisingly we never did.. I wasn’t even dating NR at this point so an 8 hour drive seems unreasonable.} I don’t know what I’m going to say to Natalie yet. I keep rehearsing it to myself and I’ve got like 5 more months. Oh well, I’m going to go on July 3rd. I don’t want to ruin her second July 4th in a row, and it’s a good chance her boyfriend (very aggravated) will  be there, and kick my ass.

I’m sure Jeff would enjoy a good fight, but I would not. It would be very disruptive, prove nothing and piss Natalie off which would defeat the entire point.

Oh! Bout’ the bong, yes, I have done pot, yes it was cool, Katie may look at me funny tomorrow. (I asked her to suck my dick while I was baked.) But I guess I’ll have to live with it. Ha, ha, ha! {This is a revelation! I’ve seen her many times since high school and she’s always given me the cold shoulder. Now it makes sense. She thinks I’m a pig and has pretty solid evidence to back it up! God damn drugs!}

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Natalie got in my head.

{Undated.}

Regret is a painful emotion. I regret going out with Katrina. Every time I think of Natalie I can’t believe how stupid I was. Don’t get me wrong, I totally enjoyed Katrina’s company. {Yeah we know we have the journal entries to prove it.} but I find myself more and more thinking about Natalie, and wanting her back. {Of course you want her back. She knew you, made you laugh, treated you with respect, talked filthy to you via cyber sex. Ironically I’ve spent the better portion of my marriage with one ‘internet girlfriend’ or another so I didn’t really need to dump Natalie at all. JC told her before I could have made a plan so what can you do?}  I’m looking for an extraordinary way to apologize, like getting her poetry published, or writing her a song, or something. I’ll never get her back, I know. I hate the thought of her hating me. A LOT! I’ve stopped recording the date in this damn book. {You annoying little fucker. You know how much of a pain in the ass that decision is?!} Just because emotions and thoughts can’t be defined to any date. {They really can… like the day you wrote it down. Ass.} I have so much stress from upcoming exams. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Anyways, as I was saying about Natalie, I find myself imagining what it would be like if she were here, or had she come for Xmas, I even pretend she’s here when I’m getting dressed or anything. {She got exactly what she wanted out of telling you she ‘could have’ come.} I know it’s retarded but my mind is stuck on this girl. I’ve removed everything that reminded me of her from my room but it seems like that made it worse. now she’s not with me at all. I liked it when Tiny was looking over me. Oh well. Live and let die.

When a lie becomes the truth.

{Undated.}

It is possible to delude oneself so much into believing whatever they/you want. Everyone does it. After doing it so much, a lie becomes the truth. All hope is lost for the truth to triumph. I have lied a lot in my life, but never so much that a lie becomes the truth. I realized, laying in bed tonight, that I never stopped loving, or caring, for anyone in my life. I say that I hate Katrina or Natalie. I can them bitches, skank hoe’s, etc. {Yikes! That’s news to me!} But if you think about it it was all my fault. {Finally, now he’s arrived at the answer!}

It shows no matter how much you hide the truth, or “lie the truth”, {huh?} it can never be destroyed. No matter how strong your power is, or how little of a conscience you have, the truth can not be destroyed. Ever, and forever, the truth will exist.

My father, the soldier.

{Undated}

Dad may be going to Bosnia. I don’t know what I’m going to do. This house falls apart without him. Mike goes out of control. And it won’t be a normal 6 month tour, oh no, it’s a mother fucking 10 month tour! He’s missed 2 years out of the last three! What do I do to deserve all this shit in my life?

Is an existence of pain and emotional trauma really worth existing for?

Ungrateful.

{Undated}
I don’t know what’s going on! Mom and Dad have decided that they are no longer going to do shit for us. What the fuck?! They said it’s because we don’t show them any respect? I can see that for Mike, but not for me! No way! I mean, I didn’t think so. I’m lazy. I admit that. Maybe brazen sometimes, but I didn’t think that bad. I always thought that I had a good relationship with them, until now that is. Mom is asking if we know how to use the washer, Dad won’t ask us to be quiet he just turns the TV up all the way? What the fuck is happening to our family? Everyone is bickering, bitching and complaining. It all started with the power outage. Everyone has hated everyone else since. Me and Mike are fine again ever since his friend Adam went home. The parents have placed the sanction on us. This is not going to have a good outcome. {I usually just dealt with these sort of things until Mike exploded and fought his way out. I would just walk out in the aftermath.} I can see it. Mike will get pissed and start yelling at mom and dad. Then he’ll be punished. They will fight with each other and Mike while I chill in my room hearing them fighting. But yet none of them will notice, they will be too mad or something stupid. They won’t realize that it hurts me. {After everyone calms down I would emerge and everyone would consider me ‘the good kid’}

I know I am only judging  what I think will happen. From experience? From assumption? I don’t really know but I guarantee, before this is over, we will find out. That scares me the most of all. Knowing something is coming and not being able to stop it. Talking to them at this point, I think, would be useless.

Sunday, January 11, 1998.

Hey! Last Thursday, freezing rain! {Ice Storm 1998} School was cancelled. It seemed all good at first but when the power went out, it got fucking cold, and bored out of my mind. It really blew. I was hoping for a day off but tomorrow will be my fifth day home. It totally messed my whole schedule with Joanne.

I’ve been in a bad mood for a while now. I don’t know why. I think it’s because of all the time I’ve had to spend with my family. I hate to say stuff like that but it’s true. I’m starting to find Jeff annoying, finally. Ha ha! He’s always around. I don’t mind much, I think it’s just because I’m pissed off at everything. I can’t even beat a damn mission in Mech-Warrior 2. That’s how discouraged I am. I’ve been thinking a lot recently. Just thoughts about life.

I asked myself yesterday if everyone had a purpose in life. I used to think so. Now when I see all the decay in society, the hunger, and the crime I start to think like God just forgot about some of us. I fear neglect from God, {I was raised Anglican; church every Sunday; prayers every night before bed. Even when my family stopped going I never stopped feeling the call.} as though I am helpless in this world, as though I’m controlled all the time by someone, in some way. I wonder if I don’t make myself noticed and don’t get anywhere in life was there ever any point in existing? These thoughts scare me but I can’t help but think about them. It always helps to write it. It’s as though I’m adding pain to someone else’s life by doing so. Who is more important? I don’t know.

Is it wrong to hold on to Natalie? I took all the things that had anything to do with her out of my room or hid them. Except for Tiny. {No memory of this Tiny…} I can’t bring myself to get rid of him. He means too much to me to just throw him out. He, in some way, is my only connection to Natalie. Maybe emotionally, or something deeper, I don’t know. There is no way I’ll ever see her again, it makes me so sad.

I don’t let anyone inside me. They can do too much damage. I am too sensitive to give anyone else control, or even the ability to hurt me. It’s easy to say but I know someone, maybe the next, will eventually get in. I just hope that she understands me enough to know how to hurt me but cares enough not to, no matter what.

Through anything, I know I can hurt girls emotionally, but never purposely, always unintentional. Just acting like a teenager. But through anything, I never would use their emotions against them. When Katrina was making my life a living hell, I never EVER, would have, or did, use her problems against her, it just didn’t come into my mind.

{I wish I could have said more but it was teenage rambling. Best to leave it be. No sign off.}

Tuesday, January 6, 1998.

There’s this girl in the gym, her name is Joanne, she’s beautiful. I had so much I wanted to say to her but when I finally did I had nothing to say. I never froze completely but I didn’t say anything intelligent that’s for sure. I don’t know what she thought of me. I hope it’s good. I don’t know what will happen, as long as she wants to talk to me again. Her friend went after her as soon as we both walked away. I don’ know what that means. She sounded excited. I hope J felt the same way. She sounded nervous. {Joanne and I never spoke again.}

Saturday, January 3, 1998.

Hey, I can’t trust my parents anymore. They know about the whole pot situation. I never got to go to Ottawa. They are simply delaying the inevitable. They know this. So they aren’t going to stop me from going any more. {I was so mad. I felt like my trust was violated. This was the first of two times they would read my journal. Or the first of two instances they felt were important enough to interject into my life.}

I cleaned up my act at Christmas. Naturally. But yet, I feel no spirit at all. For some cold, dark reason I felt nothing in my heart. Maybe it was all the arguing with mom that made me sad, who knows.

Parents let me pass out drunk new years eve. Sick sick sick! Couldn’t even walk the next day. I will never, never again go that far. {Infamous words, never respected.}

Stupid, disrespectful, brother took pictures of me and made fun of me. He can be such an asshole sometimes. I don’t understand why he can’t be nice to me in front of his friends instead of showing off. As if he’s that low. {I got so blitzed. My parents let me drink myself stupid that night. They probably wanted to get me into booze, the legal drug, rather than weed, the illegal drug. After I passed out he and his friends put empty bottles all around me and made it look like I was a drunk. Too funny! I would have done the same thing if I were in his shoes. I thank God there was no Facebook back then.}

I can’t help but think of Natalie in these past weeks. I mean, she was going to be here. I could have talked to her and held her. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? BULLSHIT. {Dude, I’m pretty sure she just told you that so you would feel worse about dumping her.}

Going to school tomorrow! Woo fucking hoo. Get to see my friends again. Well, I never bothered to call them on the holidays so who cares, right? {If only you knew how little you get to see your friends in your 20s. You have a falling out with JC in 2004 you haven’t reconciled by 2016… 12 years later. Then friends all but vanish in your 30s while you all try to get by in the world. You might have appreciated seeing the boys a little more.} I just hate facing Katrina. I really hope she’s dumped. She doesn’t deserve a boyfriend. She told all kinds of girls what a bad boyfriend I was and why. So whenever they see me I feel really uncomfortable. I’m sure I’m not that big of a deal to them, but it’s still there, and they know.

Well since I’m going back to school I have to find a dealer who can hook me up with you know what.

I’ve deleted all “non-essential”or people I haven’t met in real life off my ICQ list. Never again will my life go so low.

Latez