November 16, 1999.

{New journal.}

November 16th. First entry. 1999. Before the clock strikes twelve.

It’s funny. It took me almost 2 years to finish the first one and I start this journal exactly two years after the first one. {#stonerlogic}

Only this one starts with shitty news. I believe the last one was when I was happy about going out with Katrina.

After Emily there was Lisa, a two night stand who I barely talk to and try to avoid at all costs. She was my second. I am ashamed to admit she was my first rebound. Boy did I ever rebound. I will have to remember not to do that again.

As bad as it was to do to someone, it made me feel a hundred percent better about losing Emily. {You didn’t lose her. You dumped her. A point she will make abundantly clear in the distant future.} I suppose that’s why rebounds are such a common thing. That’s what Laura says to cheer me up; “Everybody rebounds like that.” I don’t want to be one of those guys but I guess I am now. Shit. {I don’t know why I held myself to such high standards. By September of 2000 Chad and Bob will be racing to see who can fuck 20 girls first. Spoiler alert: they both win. Chad even has sex with one of his teachers. Yeah. Meanwhile I’m embarrassed for having sex with one girl. #wtf}

Anyways after that display of lunacy I thought that a very cute, very eligible girl, Kelly {Not the kelly.} would be a perfect match for me. I got all into her and developed a serious interest and liking of her. Then after 2 weeks of flirting with her I have asked her out twice. I asked her out again tonight and she says “I have to see what my boyfriend wants to do, he may take me out.”

At this point I was crushed. Life sucks, blah, blah. {Nice to see that he’s getting tired of his own sad writing too.} I got the new Korn CD, Issues. So I will go mope and do little else. Goodnight.

Water, water, every where, nor any drop to drink.

Brook is another girl in my program. She’s a big pot head. She is the nicest soul you’ll ever encounter thought. She and I are friends, but not too much more. She seems to be Lisa’s sounding board, so it’s hard to say what I should treat her like. I do believe that she knows everything about my and Lisa’s escapades. She is living in Cat Woods. Her ad her room mates are all dopers. So I steer clear for the most part. The next time I smoke weed I’m heading over that way.

Kelly {The one that got away.} is a sweetheart. Probably my favourite ‘joke around with’ friend. We are really close. We argue a lot about meaningless things. We just happen to have very opposing views of the world. She stays in reality, fact and an almost scientific state of mind. While I explore the paranormal, possibilities, and philosophical. In Kelly’s and my case opposites do not attract. {Yes they do you’re just to naive at 17 to see it.} 

Then there is Kelly {Another Kelly that doesn’t matter.} A beautiful lady who I met in photography. She is joining the transfers to our program from gen arts and sci in January. Which will make her very possibly open season for my next love. {Play on playa.} It is hard to say if i like or dislike her because I barely know her. {Very astute.} I know that she went to high school near Markham {Adorably spelt Marcum in my journal. No google maps in 1999 and fuck atlases, right?!} I would like to know more but she is quiet. It is hard enough to talk to a girl privately in such a large class and even harder when she is so closed off. {I probably meant shy… my younger self is so hard on people.} She goes on breaks with me and walks around but as soon as class is over she boots it back to res. I tried to call her tonight but it seems like she is not in. {Seems I did spend some time with this girl I don’t remember. Also, all this calling seems semi- creepy now in 2016 when everything is done via text.}

Anyways as I finish this book which has taken me two years to compile I will read it over and contemplate my actions, my rights and wrongs. {18 years later in 2016.} 

One thing I must always see as a right is Jeff and Chad’s friendship. The were there as soon as I broke up with Emily. They waited. They were my friends for the entire five months that I thought they hated me. {More on that here.} They obviously had some resentment but that’s understandable.

The end of this book signifies the end of Emily. {Really? First loves are like embers in a fire pit the morning after. Hot coals can lay under layers of cool ash. One only needs poke them with a stick to see they still burn.} The start of the new book is a fresh start into the next few years of my life.

I do not know what I will do with this book. {You keep it in a wooden box your dad brought back from Haiti.} I may keep it to read when I am older. I may give it to my son when he is old enough to hear and deal with everything that I had to go through. {Ok you little male chauvinist. I find it amusing that I am transcribing this on the day of my vasectomy… my life complete with two amazing daughters.} 

Or maybe it will help to remind me of how my parents treated my through all of this and I will learn and use all my mistakes to be a better person. A better father. {Woah. Mind fuck.}

{Marginalia} Although dads a tough act to follow I won’t be following old Herbert for at least 10 years. {Yeah you almost went into the reg force… then you met Ann Marie.}

Alien Bat Men

The end.

{Undated.}

This is about a month later. Mid-November. {Thank you for time stamping.}

School semester is almost over, and I have been broken up with Emily for almost a month. A week after I tried to break up with Emily I actually did. {We were fighting again over the phone and Emily propositioned, “Are you dumping me again?” to which I simply responded, “Yes.” and hung up. Sadly, much easier than the first attempt because I gave her no avenue for appeal.}

It upset her a lot more than it did me. It took this long to realize how much she really loved me, and unfortunately how much I didn’t love her.  I am left knowing that she was a controlling and possessive woman. But I still loved her. I think. I am not sure. Love is or can be described as an eternal happiness. When i think of my love for emily and how it was I only remember the happy times. Unfortunately most of the happy times were sexual or intimate. Any there time we were just doing what she wanted to do or going where she wanted to go.

I am thankful that I didn’t wait too long to cut it off. If I had wanted I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I would not have had the support of any friends without Laura. I would have been begging for her back within a week.

Laura I met at the beginning of school. We were close right away because we were both having the same relationship trust problems, and we were obviously interested in a lot of the same stuff. {Don’t get the wrong idea. Laura put me straight into the friend zone. I was 17, she was 22. Back then those were some pretty long years. I had a car and made her laugh. She was weird and free spirited. Friends.} She broke up with Shawn. I broke up with Emily. We’ve been friends ever since.

We talk a lot, do homework together. Study, hang out, cool shit liek that. I think it is safe to say that we are almost as close a friend as Jeff and Chad. {Who she loved.} Jeff and Chad and I talk about sex and girls (and Lisa) which I do not talk about with Laura.

Lisa is a girl who has had a crush on me since the beginning of the year. She was always cute and sometimes she’s a looker. We always flirted with each other. (Harmless to me, not so harmless to her). We kind of became close but I kept my distance for Emily’s sake. After Emily and I split Lisa and I got closer.

We hung out a bunch but I kept my distance because Lisa outright told me that she wanted me to take her virginity. A concept any normal guy would leap onto but one I declined. Unfortunately, I became depressed over the loss of Emily as week 2 drew closer. A week and a half after Emily and I broke up I called Lisa at 11:45. I told her to be ready to go for a drive. (I thought this was harmless.) {No you didn’t. You brought a joint and condoms.} at 12:30.

Se comes out we go for a drive. Stop at a park, go for a walk, make out, get up, go back to the car to find a dark place to park, we smoked a joint while she gave me head, then we moved to the back seat and had sex.

Lisa officially lost her virginity {Spoiler alert: no she didn’t and I am the most gullible man alive.} and I did something I thought I’d never do. I used a friend as a rebound.