I do not envy.

{Undated.}

As I look into the masses
I see drunks. I see pukes.
I see chauvinist asses.
I see artists and potheads
and those who are both
their faces alight with inside and hope
I see all these people and I do not adore
I find myself crying, awake on the floor.
away from the comfort these people provide
hiding the pain that scares me inside
I see all these people and I must confess
I don’t envy these people nor hate their regress
what I hate is the doctor who gave me this face.
brought me into this world and mapped me my fate
I’m sick and I’m tired of the popular mass
I think I’ll progress and wave as I pass

My words have no meaning
not do I do what I say
Forget this it’s nothing
my inner self I betray

A poem of love, the need.

Moved to tears from the mere mention of love. An almost primitive desire for the affection of a woman. The innermost desire for one whom I can be completely naked with and not be ashamed of what is held within. I have a need, a passionate rage to show my dear and undying affection to the one whom could call my girlfriend. One girl, would be able to change all that. I am, what I hate, into a productive member of my society. All this can be achieved by the simple mention of affection and the ability to unburden the full fledged storage love held within the confines of my mortal body. I am man. I need to love. {This whole thing is ridiculous.}

Hopefully the last we see of Kat!

{Undated.}

The plague of my lonliness continues. The undying thought of my one true woman lay stirring in my mind. Though I am too young and inexperienced to know or understand love, I do know that I think of her every day when I wake, and every night before I drift into sleep.

She was my first kiss. She and I are the only two who know this tiny piece of information, but, to me, it is much more than that. It is a means by which I can explain my undying infatuation with this woman, Katrina, I am connected to her with more spiritual power than any shaman or priest could ever bestow. I know her as well as she knows me. Better than either of us know ourselves. I want to be with her again. I want to be able to talk to her, hear the silk lining of her smooth and soothing voice. Touch her soft, graceful skin, her moistened lips to my own. The sharing of both mind and body in a truly loving and giving relationship. Or perhaps, I have lost my own one and only. I gave my chance away to the foolish temptations of the flesh. I saw her as my girlfriend and I wanted her mind as well as her body, but i was too primitive to wait. I lost. Her, and my pride.

Scratched out title

Music, screw it.
Art, who cares?
Both expressions of a dying society. We will not survive. What makes anyone think our art will?

Drugging, why?
Drinking, what for?
Both covers of a life not worth living. Skins over an evil that will tear through in time.

Party life, get a life.
Study time, go to hell.
Opposites of teens lives both occupants of time. The best part of life should be spent having fun.

Society says no. I say fuck it.
Do what you want.

A poem inspired by my depression.

Shunned from the intentions of God’s design
loving what I and few see but hating my own unknown

Face forward causes a sickened response
disgust from all who view my … my face.

Too much was the wise man’s ego
to think he knew what best was.

I hated the wise man before I was born.
He caused these scars  Fuck the wise man.

Knowledge and super sized macho.
Give life to hundreds.What’s one?

What’s one scar?
Ego.

This is not me.
This is what I have become.
I am a victim of …
Society? No.
Science? No.
I am a victim of one man’s laziness. I carry his laziness on levels not even defined by God.

If I met this man, this doctor, who saw me as an occasional mishap of delivery, I would squeeze my hands so tightly around his neck , he would not be able to even regret what he has caused me. He would only have the image of fear.

♪…the Kat came back the very next day…♪

{Undated.}

Ok, I am now totally hooked on Katrina again. She’s all I think about, I want to be her boyfriend again. I have to talk to her. I do every day but I don’t have the balls to say like 8 or 9 little words. ‘Can I have a second chance with you?’

On a lighter note, I got my assignment in on time.

Oh. If I have to quit drugs for Katrina it’s as good as done. {Noble of me. LOL} If she says yes I’m going to stop doing them just as an unsaid factor. {This bothers me. I like smoking pot. I did then and I do now. I’ve quit weed for every woman I’ve been with. To what end? I’m not being honest. I’m not being myself.}

I now work at Bennett’s. I am a deli-man! I distribute flesh to the slobs and robots of our society. {Dramatic… but I see no inaccuracies.} I don’t like my job but I love the people. {Every job I’ve ever had…}  Two really nice adults and two amazing looking teenagers. I will be working with the teenagers on Saturday. Cool… huh?

Blah! Blah! Blah!

Where did this come from?

{Undated.}

Before you read this entry you should read this required reading.

Katrina. Maybe my worst enemy, maybe my only chance at a girlfriend. I love her like I was always her boyfriend, but I have a pathetic, useless, almost ashamed feeling when I am with her in public. It’s as if I don’t want to be with her when people are around. It scares me to think that I want to get back with her, but I can’t stop thinking about her and Emily.

Emily I think of differently. She is a good friend, for whom I do have feelings for, but I try to remain on the outs with her. I don’t know why {Yes you do.} but for some reason I can’t help but feel pain when I talk to her. I can’t stop hating Gord, but yet I show a happy “Gord is the best” aura whenever I talk about him. I don’t know! I hate everything! I’m confused! I just want to understand!

I wish I knew how Katrina feels about me. I think I would get back together with her if I could. {No! You idiot!} 

Then I get to be a three time loser when she dumps me again. {Woah! I do know what she’s doing to me. Shocker!} Sarcasm of course {Dammit man! Which is it?!}, but this is the girl I followed around like a lap dog just because she winked at me every once in a while, or played with sexual innuendos. But I finally got her so I have something above and beyond all others who have tried for her. {Oh you idiot. You deserve better!} I don’t need to look at myself as being not good enough for her so she dumped me, but as not being able to control myself. It was my fault that she dumped me and now I’m just trying to win her back. {However you want to frame it, loser.}

If I get the opportunity to date her again her sister would know why she dumped me in the first place which would make me uncomfortable in any social situation. {She had a sister? Man I’ve forgotten a lot in 18 years.}

I also would have to await the “opinions” {I would really love to know what 1998 Andrew thinks quotations around a word means.} of Jeff and Chad which would be sure to come after the found out. unless I didn’t tell them… {Yeah because you know damn well they will think you’re an idiot for going back to Katrina to be toyed with some more. She did let you grope her boob though, so… maybe?}

Algebra of the heart.

{Undated. Must be back in school so I’ve moved the date to September.}

I learned in English today the words of one E.E. Cummings;

“Poetry is the algebra of the heart.”

We discussed the meanings of this phrase. We concluded that poetry was its own secret language, only the persons who know and understand the circumstances of the poem can understand it truly. Just as only mathematicians can solve the largest of equations. {This kid is starting to get on my nerves.}

Andrew + Emily = Friends … ?

Before you read this entry you should read this required reading.

{Undated. The story is all coming together one piece at a time. I found this note between the two of us. We wrote to each other constantly. I saved this one and I am thankful I did.}

Emily Something has been bugging me. I think I’m screwing things up with Gord.

Andrew Talk to him much?

Emily Yeah it’s this whole depression thing … It’s bringing him down and he does not know how to deal with it.

Andrew Tell him not to try. It’s your mind in conflict. Just tell him to do what I do; cheer you up any way he can! It’s hard sometimes but if it makes you happy then he will be happy!

Emily I hope you are right. The thing is he doesn’t want to talk about it. He acts like it’s not there.

Andrew It could be his way of dealing. Just tell him it won’t work if he ignores it. He’s crazy about you, I know this. He won’t lose you. Just don’t give up.

{Wow. Gord fucks me over, big time, and I repay him by consoling his girlfriend and trying to keep them together. On the other hand this is when Emily and I are falling in love so is it really a noble deed? It’s been too long to remember the intent I placed behind these words.}