Prepare yourself for sad Andrew.

{Undated.}

Eliza has moved on, that is for sure now. I understand fully what is meant when she described herself as emotionally devoid. Still, songs that remind me of her, and the many pictures in my head have brought me this feeling of remorse in the loss of such a horrible person.

Looking through the last entry I realize I have kept many things bottled up for a while. I went to Eliza’s the Friday that was mentioned. As I knew it would happen I was unable to say no. We were back together in my mind the moment I laid eyes on her again.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt I had that she did nothing with Bob. But two weeks later during a day at work I decided that all I had with her was a dying relationship based on a lie. I gave her an opportunity to tell the truth, she refused and pleaded ignorance again.

That was the last time I talked to her as a girlfriend.

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College and work are hard, mmm’kay.

Broke as a Joke{Undated.}

As for school I talk to Don today. I will be fine. Assuming I don’t fail English because of my fucking work schedule. Friday I specifically asked for off because of school but they keep scheduling me in for the 4 hour late. I don’t want to cancel because I want to get as much money as I can out of this contract. :/

 

Bye Eliza.

Eliza and I are no more. It was cut short at just before 2 months. I had thoughts of breaking up with her but I was never really sure. Talking to Jeff about it I believe I made the decision to leave her. That was Thursday. Friday night we were at LJ’s house for a blowout going away party for Alina.

All was perfect. Tons of fun. Everyone got laid if they had a first there except for me. I got hurt (slipped and fell on the road (too drunk)) and passed out. I remember being on the floor and Eliza asking me if I needed anything or any help or anything like that, I said no. {I believe what I actually said was fuck off. In retrospect not the brightest move when dealing with someone with daddy issues.} The next thing I remember was waking up in a different room on the day bed.

I got up and walked out. Eliza was asleep (more or less just laying) on the floor beside Bob.

Saturday went by and I was upset that she didn’t stay in the room with me. She was distant too but wanted to be close to me none the less. {How does that work?} 

Sunday I was talking to Nikki. I was saying how I wasn’t really happy about Eliza. She asked, “because of Bob?”. So I of course said, “What?” {I says ‘pardon?!’}

She said never mind. It was way too late for that. Apparently Eliza had told Nikki that she fooled around with Bob at the party.

So, after talking to Jeff I get pretty pissed off just thinking about it. Getting in my car and grabbing a crowbar {I did no such thing. I told everyone I had a crowbar when I went to confront Bob. It was a lie that apparently I wanted to try to force it on myself by writing it in my journal. You can’t trick me, boy.} I go to Bob’s. He tells me that he’s been my friend for years, wouldn’t do that and if he had he wouldn’t pussy out and lie about it. {I believed him. What choice did I have? This was the bros before hoes era of my life.} 

So. Talking to Eliza, getting very pissed off at her for everything (even though I didn’t think she did it.) I told her that I trust Bob’s word over hers and she wouldn’t be able to convince me otherwise.

A day later, she’s convinced that it was a manic-depressive attack and is unsure as to what really happened.

She thinks she either did it because she was manic at the time or had a hallucination about doing it because she had a lot of sexual frustration and depressing issues in her life over the past few weeks. {This is where I’m wondering if I had have just had sex with her like she wanted if I could have spared myself this painful event. I still don’t know what happened.}

Now let me tell you what I think happened. 🙂

She hears about me wanting to cut her loose and tells Nikki she cheated on me so it would get to me as fast as my plan to dump her got to her.La Poison 2

I talk to Jeff
Jeff to Nikki
Nikki to Eliza

and in reverse:

Eliza to Nikki
Nikki to Jeff
Jeff to me! {And now we all know how the game telephone works.}

And no matter who else she told it would have gotten back to me, just would have taken longer but she chose the most direct route.

Bob has a girlfriend, he wouldn’t do that. Eliza is a depressive person, she could have done what she’s talking about. But I am sure {and by sure I mean not sure… like not sure for the next 20 years.} that the only problems she had were knowing before she said she cheated on me that I was going to dump her.

Either way, whatever she thinks, I know what I believe. {No you don’t and you never will.} She invited me over to her house on Friday. I think I am going to go. {I did go. We watched City of Angels. To this day the Goo Goo Dolls song Iris still reminds me of holding Eliza in her basement. Sadly I had a quick-onset stomach bug that night and threw up in her laundry tub. She cared for me sweetly and looked after me.} I do miss her and I do still care about her. All I want is for her to say that none of it happened. {She never will.} If she did that I’d able to get close to her again. I know I’ll probably never trust her, but I think I am just looking for the real truth and then I’d think that I would be able to be her friend. Salvaging a friend out of this mess is all I could hope for. She wants me back. So on Friday when we’re actually alone, I’ll be trying my hardest to make sure nothing happens. .. but I am very vulnerable. So I don’t know if it’s a very good idea.

I think that the stupid part is that I want one last kiss, because we didn’t get one on Sunday before all this crap.

I’ll write again after I figure out and execute Friday night after work. {Like I said I vomit and nothing happens because of that. I tried to hide it. I ran upstairs and threw up in the bathroom on the main floor two or three times before it caught me off guard and I had to run for the laundry tub.}