I am going to NYC and I do not plan on taking this journal. I will be recording my travel journal entries in another book, just because it is not as deep, or as inner as the thoughts I have put into this book. I will always have my scrapbook from NYC though. {Yeah I don’t know where that went.} I hope I can photograph some of my favourite pieces. But probably not.

I plan on writing my mom and Eliza every day and sending it overnight mail. But if that’s too expensive, I do not know what to say. … Ah well. {Yeah I think you called them each once in a week. No time!}

{Since I have no idea where my NYC journal wound up (I think I handed it in and never got it back.) I’ll relate my experiences here. This is the trip when Laura and I really became close friends. The bus ride through the night was awful. Neither of us could sleep. We got there in the morning and started going! We went all out every day, slept for 4-6 hours per night, and met each morning for our continental breakfast which was our only meal of the day most of the time we were there. Since I don’t know what order we went to everything in I’ll just bullet the list. 

  • Times square.
  • David Letterman show.
  • Stomp.
  • Grand Central Station.
  • Rode the subway.
  • Statue of Liberty.
  • Empire State Building.
  • Guggenheim.
  • MET.
  • Rode the subway. 
  • Went to Wall St. and saw the bull.
  • Central park.
  • China Town. (Where I bought a switch blade and butterfly knife. I ended up throwing them in a back alleyway when the 3rd years in my room convinced me I’d be caught out on the trip back over the Canadian border and I could get expelled. They never searched anything at the border and those same third years laughed at me. Fuckers.)
  • Oh we did a New York pizza and deli sandwich at some point.
  • Drank a lot of convenience store beer and wandered a lot of streets.

NYC Trip - Empire State Building View 2

NYC is one of the best memories of my life.}


Get the good while the getting’s good.


Eliza and I are almost a month old. This is good. I really like her and I recognize the emotions that she gives me. She makes me happy. Extremely. But I cannot help but let old habits die hard. I worry about small tones in her voice, or a quick goodbye here and there. It’s stupid  know. But I just want her to be happy all the time.

Because if she is happy then she is with me and we’ll last forever but as soon as something sounds a little off I get all weird.

She is babysitting tonight, well she was babysitting, Now she sleeps soundly and happily blissfully in love with her boyfriend. Completely oblivious to the contemplations of true emotions that he… I am going through. It is nothing to worry about for her. It’s just a matter of me having to stop worrying so much about her happiness 100 percent of the time. Obviously nobody can be happy that long.

Sex. Things are progressing with Eliza a lot faster than I originally expected. I did not expect sexual exploration below the belt for at least a few months. {It was the 90s. My head would have probably exploded if I was born a millennial.} It happened. I did not think it was bad AT ALL! Just unanticipated.

She is getting birth control. To me she says its for all the good reasons except for sex. But theres a part of me that worries the opportunity may arise and she may want to.

I am not ready for an emotional commitment as large as that again. It scares me, and I am terrified that I will not be able to say no.

[ … ] saying no to sex is like me saying no to good food. I’d eat free (good) food, even on a full stomach, I would eat it if it wasn’t good for me. I’m afraid my views on sex are much the same. I will try to resist, but no promises.

Re: The bad b-day party.

{We partied at LJ’s every Friday or so. We called LJ lumberjack to piss Chad off. We kept telling him she looked like a man and to let us know when he finds her penis.}

As it occurs to me I never explained why the bad b-day party was so bad. Alina’s friends from Toronto started drinking everyone’s alcohol. Chad and LJ were fighting. LJ’s mom was pissed , 2-3 people were puking, Jeff and Adam secluded themselves from the rest of the party. It was just fucked. {I was super happy when Eliza came to my place to crash. Hadn’t ‘slept’ with a girl since Emily.}

Of course she does. Weed is amazing!

Eliza wants to get high. I don’t know if I can. It’s not like I am totally against it, it just isn’t my thing anymore. {For the record, I’m high as a kite typing this.}

My reputation {HA!} and respect from my family and friends would be lost.

{Interesting post credit to this story: Eliza was in a bad car accident and now she smokes a ton of medical weed for pain.}

This one is called ‘Slut shaming.’

{I’m embarrassed of every word. For the record I just want to say I love all sluts. They’re awesome.} 

A fresh note:

An inner conflict has been lifted from my chest.

I once felt awful for giving Lisa the cold shoulder after being her first, or at least I thought first.

She turned out to be the biggest hooch in the college. She sleeps around worse than Bob, and I have little to no respect for females that do that.

So now I have no problem ignoring her because I do not associate myself with people like that. {Except Bob… and Chad… right? Boys can, girls can’t? Wow you. Just… wow.}

And if thats a contradiction on myself everyone can kiss my ass {Hey I’m here to help….} because I only did it once and now it’s over and there is only Eliza.

Eliza gives me good feels.

One week from going to New York City. Excellent opportunity. Something is not sitting right.

What is this that I am feeling?

Eliza slept over after a party-gone-sour that we left. We were very tired and she was sick but we fooled around anyways. I asked her if she just wanted to go to bed. She said nope! {Great blowjob that night. One for the books.} I felt very good about that stuff. We are very intimate. I don’t know how good I am with public displays of affection. I am warming up to her very open affection.

She loves it at my house. She feels safe here. I can see it in her eyes and hear it when she talks to me or my family. It’s much different from how she sounds around her family. I am glad she finds comfort in my family, my life, my arms.

Maybe I feel down or offset because of the homework load or lack thereof. There is hardly anything to do before the March break, it’s unusual and unnerving. The way it works is we’ll get more when we get back. That seems weird to me. I’d rather the load be heavy before the break, not after.

Michael gave a speech about how this is the time when first years begin to feel like they’re not getting anywhere! and I second that motion. So they are probably going easier on us right now so that none of us get frustrated. Who knows!

And who knows why I feel the way I do. I think it’s just weird, but I know it’s not Eliza.. LFO came on the radio and made me think of her and I could feel the endorphins running through my veins. I could feel her love for me all the way from Bayridge.

I’ll tell you why I feel the way I do, it’s the alcohol! It’s fucking terrible. I always feel like this afterwards! It’ll be gone tomorrow, so I won’t worry about it anymore. Time for homework! I rule! Rock on! Shit, shit, woo!

Trying out a new writing utensil.

On a better note, school is going fairly well. Colour is down, but it always has been. But surprisingly techniques is up! and way up I might add. My marks don’t show it yet because of errors that were non technical bit is showing improvement.

Where are my GOD DAMN shoes?! he he he {I’m sure that made some sense to me in 2000.}


Then enter Eliza.

We met at new years. I thought she was very pretty and lovely. Unfortunately she was attached. I let it slide and thought about another girl.

Later I found out that she and her man were over. I was very happy. Jeff, as he normally does, took the liberty of telling her that I liked her. Thanks Jeff. Although it’s not how I wanted it to happen it still made each of us start talking with a little interest towards one another.

After an amazing night on Friday. We’d been talking about it for so long. We saw a movie and had dinner at the Griz.

Anyways, we saw each other again, and after another day of fun we finally kissed. That was the first of February. That’s when we became official.

It’s been a few weeks since the first now. We have shared extremely intimate moments. We have also shared emotional ones.

We are going to semi formal at Zorba’s (place where Chad lost his virginity.) and we are going to have fun even though I know that I can’t dance. This is happening tomorrow night.

This girl does weird and wonderful things to me. I wanted to look good for her at semi so I spent $101.80 something on a new outfit. Tonight I can’t find my shoes and I may have to wear old ones. I also got a hair cut just a few days ago. I was swearing not to cut my hair again until grad but I wanted to look good. I think I was feeling down on my appearance and knew that she would make me feel better if I cut it right short.

She and I get along great. When I first started dating her though I was nervous about her previous boyfriends, all 14 of them in one year. I was a little insecure for a while but now I feel good and secure and very happy with her.

Her father on the other hand… he scares the beJesus out of me! She had told me that he had been an asshole to her and her sister since they were kids, but I had no idea until last night.

I went over when it was only her and her sister home. (Not allowed.) and her father walks in. WE weren’t doing anything, but even if we were he is a lot cooler about things than Eliza’s mom. So this had nothing to do with me.

Anyways, Eliza gets up to get the man’s dinner and as she is preparing the leftovers from last night he says loudly and very harshly, “I don’t want that shit two nights in a row!”. She asks him what he wants and he doesn’t know and yells, “just fucking forget it.” and storms downstairs.

I, being totally surprised by this man I thought was sane flipping out on his daughter, asked her if she was ok, and she starts to cry. Now, Eliza does not cry, or at least that’s what I’ve been told, so this is major drama for me. {Major drama?! For you!? It’s child abuse… for her! I can’t believe I forgot about this. Her father was a complete asshole to her. He was huge and I was terrified of him. He worked for Snap-On tools. I used to think about him when I saw their trucks around town.} I try to hold her and console her but she covers her face and buries it in my chest. I felt like I was going to burst into tears. It was awful and then she said crying, “every single night he does this.”. That scares me because I feel a great deal for her.