Sunday, November 23, 1997.

Hey, what’s up? {Nothing… clearly.} Nothing? {That was weird.} Good, because I have a bit to say.

Friday Jeff and I went to see Mortal Kombat II in the theatre. Needless to say it blew big time! Well that didn’t matter anyways. Katrina should have been there but her parents don’t know me. {Duh.} FUCK! {Calm down rage machine.} So we can’t be together outside of school until I meet them. Her dad’s never around either (he works in Toronto) so who knows when I’ll see her. {Best guess; Monday when you go back to school…}

I slept at Jeff’s house last night and I had the COOLEST dream about Katrina I have ever had. {I don’t recall having a lot…} Here goes. It was just me, Emily and Katrina in this room. Katrina was the only one naked. (Who knows so don’t bother asking.) and I was hovering gently in mid-air spinning slowly. Emily was suddenly was gone. (Prob to Dan’s dream, who really cares.) {Sorry Emily but I have a one track mind.} and as Katrina was spinning I kissed her between her legs as they passed. She stopped spinning and I ‘ate her out’ in crude layman terms. It was so real and I could even feel the warmth and taste her. I couldn’t believe it when I woke up. I was like ‘Fuckin’ Right!”. {I have a boner.} I was pissed, needless to say. {I say needless to say a lot. Obviously I’m saying a lot of things I don’t need to say. Fun though.} Maybe because I never got to finish, {you should and I’m sure JC would be thankful you didn’t… in his bed.} or maybe because it wasn’t real, I don’t know. Probably both. I know that I want it. I hope she does too. Only time will tell.

Jeff’s house was fun, he seems to like it here more though. {Yeah he did. His mom worked two jobs to keep afloat. He had to watch his little sister a lot while she worked or went out. He made his own meals, cleaned, everything. I was a spoiled brat and my parents loved him.} Probably because his sister isn’t here. Whatever. He makes this place his home when he’s here. No one cares, we find it like a compliment that he’s so comfortable here. I think that this would be the best place for him if the unspeakable happens to his grandmother. {If his grandmother dies. Somewhere between then and now I stopped sugar-coating shit.} 

I don’t want anything to happen to her but I have to admit it would be cool having Jeff living here for a week or two. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen for Nanny’s sake. {Did he call his grandmother Nanny too? That’d be weird. I either didn’t know that and projected my grandmother on his or I forgot. Huh…} 

Til’ next time. {Yay! Clever sign-offs are back!!!}

Thursday, November 20, 1997.

Every house we move into, I stop and realize that it is home. {This is valid. We moved a lot and there was a moment in every home that I realized that it had gone from being ‘the new home’ to just being ‘home’.} I may know it and say it but the feeling was never really there until today; just a few minutes ago.

I lost my linesman job tonight because of my bitch of a french teacher (because of the skip thing.) {So full of anger when you’re clearly the one in the wrong. Tisk tisk boy!} 

As usual I’m waiting for Katrina to call, {Seems like all I did was wait for her to call, dream about a ‘FRENCH’ kiss and fondle a boob twice.} I really hope she can go out Friday, tomorrow, or whenever.

I don’t know how it will work if we are all standing outside waiting for everyone else. We’ll have to hope that she will just be dropped off no questions asked. {Right… because fathers typically just drop their daughters off with a bunch of guys downtown ‘no questions asked’} Who knows. {Not you, clearly.}

I think I’m obsessed with Katrina. {No. You? Never.} I can’t help it. I suck! {No argument from me.} I just want to be always be there and talk to her and hear her voice and stare into her beautiful eyes. I think I love her. {Jesus buddy that’s just hormones fucking with you.} I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know what real love is but I know I don’t ever want it to end.

{No clever 90s sign off this time. I am sad.}

Wednesday, November 19, 1997 (2).

{Written in black pen between the paragraphs}

With life
comes death
with death
comes??!
{Questioning our faith are we?}

Same day!

Well I talked to Katrina. Yay! I found out I have a problem with my attendance appointment. Apparently my bitch of a french teacher {I became a feminist… but I certainly was not one when I wrote that sentence.} wrote a note to Mrs Sinclair, saying every little misconceived thought in her annoying frog of a mind! {…I still hate Quebec nationalism but not francophones in general.}

{Written up the side of the page.} If a frog had wings it wouldn’t bump its ass when it hopped. {Wayne’s World. he he.}

I actually hate this woman. It’s like she gets joy out of torturing her students. Who sends fucking letters to students? Does she think her class is better or more important than any other class I skip? {Oh my God the arrogance of my youth. Maybe she thought a 16 year old should be in class… weird, right?} What the fuck is wrong with her? It’s not the class I was skipping I just wanted to be alone with Katrina. Don’t get me wrong I never expected anything {Yeah right! You were hoping. You wanted into her pants so bad you just had no idea what to do!} just time alone where we can talk and hold each other in private.

Done 4 now.

Wednesday, November 19, 1997 (1).

{Keep in mind I’ve only been dating KH for 6 days.}

I don’t got much to say, all I have is that waiting for Katrina to call drives me crazy! The last two nights she hasn’t bothered. {Remember that in the 90s you had to wait at home for a call…} At 8:30 I may give her a dingle. {LOL Yep, dingle.} It’s like she doesn’t care or something. I’d really feel bad if she was sick or something and here I am bitching and complaining. {Obsess much?}

Well, all those Lord of the Flies questions are due Monday. Ahh! I’m on chapter 5?!?! {The stresses of the pre-internet generation.} At least I’ve got it all typed up to there.

My first date is this Friday! wOO! Me and KH! It’s about bloody time! {6 days…} Well we’ll be accompanied by Jeff, Darren, Bob, and Chad {I’m planning our first date with my four guy friends… smooth operator me.} but I hope to ditch them, who knows what could happen?

I hope I can pick her up and drop her off. Just so I can spend more time with her.

I love every second I’m with her. I just wish I could know without having to ask her. If I did, she’d be on the spot and of course she’d say she did. {Ask her what? Was I asking if I can pick her up or if she loves every second she’s with me? I’m lost.} I also keep looking for some sign she wants to be close. I’ve gotten a few, but not much rock solid that she wants to “make out” or anything good like that.

Well, I’m done.
Latez {l33t, recognize l33t}

Tuesday, November 18, 1997.

Ok. Ok. KHs got a ‘thought’ about us {Why is thought in quotes? Am I implying that it isn’t actually a thought?} that we HAD to be alone for her to tell me. {I’m intrigued. I don’t remember where this is going…} We were alone this afternoon. We skipped french. {I had about as much respect for the french language then as I do now.} She said it was a good thing, and it had me and her in it, so me being of the mind I am, {What mind? 16 year old boy? Not as much a mind as a tangle of nerve endings attached to a penis.} think it’s sexual. {Surprise sur-fucking-prise. Not much has changed. You, being a man, think everything is sex.}

At first I thought she was afraid of doing anything. I then realized that I was feeling and massaging her breast. {That was out of nowhere.} I know she loved it. I felt her nipple poking through her shirt. {Maybe she was just cold? You talking or molesting here? Where is this going?} So I think she just isn’t really for something that personal I guess or maybe she thinks its been too built up. Who knows. {WHAT? Wait… what just happened? That paragraph went absolutely nowhere. I’m a little pissed off with my 16 year old counterpart. So fucking enamored with a tit that he lost sight of the goal. Geez! Eyes on the prize, dummy.}

Tommy Boy - Pretty New Pet

Well NR and I are friends again. She kind of bothers me. {Yup, yesterday ‘love of my life’, today ‘bothers me’. Who needs a roller coaster with that going on in your head?} I’ve never liked how she forgives everyone so easily {Yes! Horrible quality in a human being. Am I right? It’s like Jesus said, ‘spite and wrath to all those who slight you.’ This chick gives you a pass and you’re annoyed. You want her to hate you?} but as soon as it was me, I almost expected it. {Not sure what I mean so I just left the sentence as it was poorly written 18 years ago.} I was such an ass and so insensitive {Admission of guilt! Ha! Got you you fucker!} and now we’re buds again, just like that! {Where’s the problem?} Hoo wow! {#facepalm} I couldn’t care less. I know it’s rude and, if NR ever saw it, it would break her heart, but I don’t really care right now if she’s my friend or not and it’s not only because I have KH. {Yeah fuck the ol’ lady. New model has arrived. What. An. Asshole. You deserve a good, swift, kick in the nuts.}

I also found out tonight that I’ve been further with a girl than JC. Woo! I just think that’s cool. {Could it be that I was as much an ass to JC as I remember him being to me? Say it isn’t so!} It’s kind of neat that I’m above two of my friends in that area. I want to tell DS about the last few days but I can’t seem to get a hold of him. {DS lived two hours away and 97′ was pre-everything; cell phones, SMS, Social Media… pretty much I probably just sent him an email and hoped he’d respond… or did nothing… which is also a very me thing to do.}

Ah well. I’m happy! I got a social life and almost a sex life. {You have touched one breast. I think only the one. Over the shirt. Calm the crap down.} Almost because I’m not planning on sex, but hey, anything is possible. {Oh! 16 year old me doesn’t know how it works yet… poor guy. Thinks he gets to decide when and where he can have sex. Awe.}

Til’ next time!
Peace out!

Monday, November 17, 1997.

{Written in the margin.} The touch of a woman’s lips is the softest, most sensitive, feeling, connection, that there can ever be.

Report card day today! I got 61, 63, 69, and 84. I was ashamed of my comp mark. My french mark was as expected and so was math. I told my mom it was hard but I know that my only problem is JC. {JC was my best friend but he was a pretty huge ass.} I’m going to ask MR to move me. I don’t want JC to know just b/c I know he’s say he’d change, or give it a break, but he’d be back at it in a week. So that’s the math problem solved. {MR moved JC the very first class after I asked. I thought there would be a fuss but MR moved him next to a cute girl JC was sweet on so he moved without objection.}

Well enough school crap. Time for WOMAN! {Oh hell! I thought this entry was going to be better.} I got an email from NR. She’s gone from “I hate him more than Satan!” to “I don’t know if I’m going to wait for him.” I mean WHAT THE FUCK!?! {I’m greatly upset by this?} Maybe she’s just calming down or something. I replied and tried to be as softly hard as possible. {What the fuck does that mean?} I made sure that she knew that I still loved her, but said “whatever you want” as many times as possible. {Well that should fix everything because #reasons. At the time I saw no need to write down what I said but that would have really helped to outline how “whatever you want” would help her feel better about being dumped…}

Til’ next time!
Love me!

Portrait Yearbook Girl 2

Sunday, November 16, 1997 (1).

I went on the net for the 1st time in days. {Come on! 3 days… tops!} I got an email from NR. She was still upset and her parents know now. I still believe that I did the right thing. {What is this, Nuremberg? Am I on trial? Who’s the prosecutor? Am I prosecuting myself?} I explained to her again now that she’s calmed down {holy fuck…} that it was too late after I kissed KH. When was I supposed to tell her? After our wedding? After our first born? I DON’T THINK SO! {Holy shit dude…}

I’m only 16! I need some TnA {Tits n’ Ass. Yes, really.} that’s all, with some tongue on the side. I want to experiment, “shop around” so to speak. I really like KH. I hope she doesn’t hurt me again. {Must have hurt really bad because I have no memory of said slight.} I’m sure in my heart she won’t. Keep reading to see I guess. 😉

Til’ next time!
Buh Bye!

Sunday November 16, 1997 (2).

{Written the same day as the last entry.}

When I started seeing Katrina Lisa asked me “are you using her?”. I was like “No! Of course not.” This kind of worried me. Was I? I know I’m not but does it seem like I am? I don’t want it too. I left Natalie. That shit is behind me, all I see before me is Katrina.

I only have one problem. {99 problems but a bitch ain’t one. No? Totally inappropriate dude. Hey, lighten up.} Every time I get close to Katrina I get a hard on. {Ok woah. I can’t believe I went there! So embarrassing…. :S} It’s a little embarrassing. {You think?} It shows I like it though which makes me sure I’m going to “enjoy our relationship. 🙂 {Yes, yes. You are excited for sex. Stop beating around the bush. Why do you talk about hard ons one minute and then pretend that you’re not after pussy in the next?}

When we were standing at the phones, she was talking to her dad, I was holding her tightly, and I pulled her hair off her shoulder and kissed her shoulder and neck softly.  I loved it. {35 year old me wonders if she liked it… That clearly doesn’t matter to 16 year old me.} She felt hot on my lips. I knew she enjoyed it. She tilted her head and sort of hinted for more. It was my pleasure to obey. If she liked that I know I’m going to have fun making her feel good. {Wasn’t Katrina lucky to have her own personal Don fucking Juan?}

I still think about my 1st kiss. It drives me crazy. It wasn’t a peck. It wasn’t a simple passionate kiss. It was a FRENCH kiss. {What an asshole.} I always wondered what it would feel like, but most of all, what is would taste like. {Gross dude. Like a second hand poutine or something? Ew.} It had no taste to me. Although knowing her saliva was in my mouth made me hard whenever I thought about it.

Sandra Bullock Fluid Transfer Meme

I always worried my tongue would not be long enough, or too big, stupid things like that. All my problems seemed to disappear as soon as our lips touched.

I could tell Katrina wasn’t new to this. I (like a beginner) had my eyes open. I always thought that that meant you didn’t want it. Well … I wanted it. I loved it. {Are you sure?} I won’t make that mistake again with kiss number 3. {Hard to fathom being this excited over two kisses… but I was, clearly.} You enjoy it a LOT! more. It’s as if your sense of passion {Sense of passion… that’s new.} elevates without sight.

I’ve been thinking. I never really stop, but ‘ya know’. Anyways, I kinda wonder if KH knows about a simple passionate kiss. Like just sucking on each other’s lips. Both times we’ve been alone we’ve ‘frenched’. NOT THAT I’M COMPLAINING of course, just curious. {I’ve got nothing to say… is that really a question? Does KH know about normal kissing… fuck me.}

Ok, 1 more thing. I know it’s a lot, but I just got this journal and you’re lucky I’m not catching it up on everything I’ve thought about in my life. he he he {You’re not fucking kidding.} Like the JM thing, and the Kathleen thing, and the Rebecca thing. {The three other girls I’ve had crushes on by this point in my life. Let us all thank God he didn’t go there.}

Anyways! I just wanted to comment that I really miss Katrina right now. It’s passed 9:00pm so I think it’s too late for her to be on the phone. I called her twice yesterday, and I don’t want to bug her today because I think she knows I want to talk to her. I just think it’s cause she wants to talk or spend time with her daddy. She barely sees him and this time, for some new boyfriend reason, she was looking forward to it.

Well I’m pretty sure that is all for the night.

Til’ next time!
Peace out!

Saturday, November 15, 1997.

I am a BoYfriENd! {#facepalm Wait… will future readers feel the same way about hashtags and facepalms as I do about alternating upper and lower case letters to denote wacky excitement? #fml} I love it! Ever since I got with KH my life has been tip top! {It’s been 2 days…} 

I am not wasting my life or teens away on the computer. Honestly, I admit, it was out of control! I got upset when MS wanted 10 minutes!

Now I have a new driving force in my life. That incredibly beautiful force’s name is KH. I love to say her name! KH, KH :). {Please try to remember the first time someone made your genitals tingle.} I still have trouble thinking about why my choice was so easy. I think as hard as I can {don’t hurt yourself.} and these are the only two answers I come up with. One, I’ve been chasing KH around since I’ve started school in KO. Then in a matter of days she goes from friend to all over me. ALL OVER ME! When I saw this chance I think my lost love for KH resurfaced. And two, I knew that seeing and being with NR was going to be impossible. {Really, what can I say to make this paragraph ok?}

I loved KH since the first day I met her, asked her to borrow those notes, and saw those beautiful eyes. In that minute or so of a french kiss under the stairs I forget all about NR.

At first I was worried that my emotional devotion to KH would turn out to be as unstable as to NR. Then I realized that the only reason I was pulled from NR was the fact that she could never provide what i experienced in the last few {2} days. It all happened so fast and was so intense that I knew AS {Yup! I started referring to myself in the 3rd person.} and KH would work.

I’m sorry AS and NR didn’t but that’s life.

Til’ next time! Peace Out!

Portrait Yearbook Girl 3

Thursday, November 13, 1997.

{Marginalia} Pencil will eventually fade into nothingness. I do not want my thoughts to fade into nothingness. I will not let them, for I know where they will truly be, now and forever, in me. {That’s deep.}

{In my neatest cursive}

Hey,

Today is the 13th of November. I started going out with Katrina today. O.K. I know, why? Well here’s the thing. Pay attention.

Two days ago (Tuesday) there was a fire in school so the alarm went and we cleared the school.

I was standing there shivering with about 3 of my buds. I joked about wanting a woman to keep me warm. Who knew I would do this.

As if in total forgetfulness of Natalie, I started searching for the woman to warm me. In the distance I saw Katrina shivering.

I told Scott I’d BrB.

As I approached her I could see she was freezing, I wrapped my arms around her and told her I was cold and needed her to keep me warm.

At first I found this to be an innocent act. After a few minutes we walked back over to our group. There were a few allegations but I took no notice.

After the alarm stopped my heard sunk thinking that I would have to let her go. Walking back to the school she told me my hands were cold, followed by here, pulled open her coat and PLACED my hand on her breast. {the word ‘tittie’ excitedly written above} (I rubbed and felt it.) What can I say? I was curious. 🙂 That night I was a little shocked at what had happened. All that day people were asking and commenting on the “fire alarm thing”. It was as if I skipped 1st base and headed directly to 2nd. Which was weird b/c I’ve never even kissed a girl before. I had little to no idea what I was feeling.

The next day people were still curious about “the fire drill thing”. I kept saying that we were just friends trying to keep warm. Their “whatevers” and “yeah rights” showed disbelief.

I talked to Katrina about it after computers. {It was the 90s so there was actually classes to introduce us generally to these ‘new fangled’ machines.} We talked about how we felt and what to do about it. She said she liked it. I smiled but said nothing.

After walking around we decided by the phones {pay phones… google them} that we would just be friends with a secret relationship.

As we got up and walked away I pulled her into me, out of view, under the stairs. She wrapped her arms around my waist and I felt so warm. After a few minutes or seconds (I can’t really recall) I pulled away and we leaned on each other’s foreheads. I just stood there staring into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen.

Nothing could have prepared me for this. I slowly, not even realizing it, moved my lips closer to hers. She followed. I watched her lips coming closer and closer. Finally she seemed to pounce on my lips. At first I thought “Ok just a kiss” but then I felt her tongue searching for mine. I started to feel it and it was an amazing feeling. I calmed down and just went with it.

I’ve always been told by Dan that I will “just know” and to “just go with it”. So I did and I loved it.

At this point Katrina and I were still “just friends” and and I’d still be going out with Natalie. All I could think about was that kiss. That kiss never left my mind at all that night.

That night, laying in bed, I decided the right thing to do would be to leave Natalie for Katrina.

I got to school and once there I knew Katrina had already told her best friend, Emily. So I told Jeff and Emily that I was going to break up with Natalie.

Jeff, knowing Natalie, was completely unsupportive. Emily, knowing Katrina was totally for it. Emily told me Katrina wouldn’t say no so I was very confident.

I walked to Carol’s office and found Katrina there. I “moved” Rob S and wrapped my arms around Katrina. She was surprised. After all it was a secret. I whispered “I’m leaving Natalie” and her grip lovingly tightened.

We both smiled and we knew we were going out.

I couldn’t keep my mind off my girlfriend for the rest of the day. But I knew that in the end I was going to have to go home and end it with the woman I loved more than life itself.

There was no way to do it without destroying her. I was shocked and a little scared that she knew before I even got home. I was instantly bombarded with insults like a sniper just waiting

“Son of a BANG!” *cocks gun*
“Son of a BOOM!” *cocks gun* (he he he (Seinfeld))

I had nothing to say, nothing I could do to keep this friend. Thank god for bad programmers at Mirabilis {before Facebook messenger there was MSN Messenger, before MSN Messenger there was Mirabilis ICQ… yes, NR was an internet girlfriend.} else I’d be on her ignore list. 

I couldn’t tell her that she couldn’t provide for me, but Jeff had already made her think that. I tried begging, pleading, apologizing, and reasoning but the cause was lost. Jeff had already given Natalie her own opinion. It was all true but I could have made it out as a good thing. I know it sounds stupid but I wouldn’t have told her about my other relationship, so she would not have felt half as bad.

All I could think about was how inconsiderate, nosey, and insensitive Jeff was to let her know. I wanted to kill him! We worked it out and we’re buds again now so just chill, k? 🙂

After that horrible ordeal all I thought about was Katrina, my girlfriend! It sounds so much better than ‘Net GF’. I can kiss her, feel her lips, her warmth, and hear her voice whenever we talk.

I would have expected myself to be more upset but I wasn’t. I already had an amazing thing going. And best of all I GOT SOME TONGUE! Woo! {the o’s were made to look like glasses.}

Til’ next time I’m outtie. {omfg}

Yearbook Girl 1