roller coaster

We ditch our friends, stay home and binge all weekend
watch all six seasons of sex and the city like it’s never going to end.
I love it and you promise you wont tell my friends
then we laugh because you know I’ll tell them anyway

When grandma died I held your hand while you cried
and you hold mine when I’m panicking in the middle of the night
and then we laugh because what else can you do?

I love you. We face each day together. And at night. We sleep until it’s gone.

I convinced you to go with me on a roller coaster ride
and I’ll admit I got a kick out of the fear in your eyes
the joke was on me when it made me think I was going to die
And then we laughed and we’ll never do that again

we decided on kids when we were drunk on New Years Eve
Looking back I think it may have been slightly ill-conceived
wouldn’t trade them for a billion dollars in that you can  believe
And then we laugh… because we’ve thought about it.

I love you. We face each day together.
We’ll go outside. No matter the weather.
and then we sleep. Until it’s gone.

 

life won’t slow down

capo 2

Chorus

lick                             C
life won’t slow down
lick                      G
it just comes fast
lick                          D
don’t try to hold on
lick                     G
cuz nothing lasts

Verse 1

I miss my friends
I miss those stairs
they’ve been gone so long
they’re still right there

Tears on your wedding day
tears on my shoulder
we’re still the same
we’re so much older

Chorus

Verse 2

I’ve got so much
I love my life
I’m still confused
I lay awake at night

Don’t know what’s wrong
maybe I’ll never know
I try to hold on
I try to let go

Chorus

Wagner’s observation of transactional memory.

This beautiful concept is called ‘transactive memory’. This is the observation that we don’t just store information in our minds or in specific places, we store memories and understanding in the minds of the people we love. You don’t need to remember your child’s emotional relationship to her teacher because you know your wife will. You don’t remember how to use the remote because you know your daughter will. I have never learned to make bread because my mom does it for me. Little bits of ourselves reside in other people’s minds.

You know when one half of a long marriage dies and its surviving partner says that some part of them has died along with their spouse. According to Wagner this is true. Everything you’ve stored in your partner’s brain dies with them.

The hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.

Had a conversation with Emily today about Chef and Ariane (Chef’s autistic daughter.) I said this could be the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to do but it could be the greatest thing you ever do as well. It made me start thinking about what I’ve been through with Ann Marie.

Pre-july

  • I was 29, wife and two kids, making 72k per year with my job, freelance and rental. I owned two houses.
  • Ann Marie’s failing interior design career caused a constant employment/layoff/EI cycle. It didn’t really matter though because she didn’t really need to be working. (Didn’t realize this until … 2017.)
  • We discussed either having more kids and she stay-at-home moms it or she goes back to school. Ann Marie decides to go back to school for nursing.
  • We figure we have a great relationship with my parents and my mom is dying so moving in with them wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world. She could go to school in Kingston, my mom would have the time with the kids, and I could continue to rent our properties and make 90k per year instead of $72.

July 2011

  • New city / New job.
  • Ann Marie had to get 4 high school credits in a year while raising 3 year old twins while volunteering at the GoodLife in the daycare.
  • We spent two weeks living in my in-law’s basement.
  • Moved in with parents because my mother was “dying”. (Diagnosed in 2008 and given three years to live… yet still alive and managing a good QOL in 2017…)
  • Started paying full time daycare when we realized we didn’t trust my mom to discipline the kids at all.
  • House ran out of water.
  • Lucked out with good tenants in 106.
  • 104 tenants bailed without notice.
  • 104 left behind fleas and became vacant. Rentals were only breaking even.
  • I had a nervous breakdown and started trying to find an anti-depressant that worked.
  • Steve Jobs dies.

2012

  • First anti-depressant was bad. (Slept all the time.)
  • Bought a mini-van we didn’t need and didn’t end up using much. Really expensive.
  • Second anti-depressant was bad. (No libido.)
  • Living with my parents remained difficult.
  • Found a tenant for 104 after 6 months of dealing with fleas.
  • Couldn’t stand my parents so we ate out a lot which cost us a lot of money.
  • Ann Marie got shingles.
  • Ann Marie’s anxiety went through the roof during her first year of university. Her hair was falling out and she was crying uncontrollably all the time.

2013

  • Ann Marie’s grandfather John died.
  • Ann Marie barely passed first year.
  • Inherited $25,000. Paid off debt.
  • Ann Marie got a job as a PSW.
  • Ann Marie got appendicitis and had to have it removed.
  • Ann Marie dropped out second year for the first time.
  • Good tenants in 106 terminated their lease.
  • New tenant in 104 didn’t pay their rent for 4 months.
  • Decided near Christmas we’d had enough and started desperately house hunting.

2014

  • Ann Marie got a job as a PSW at Bayshore.
  • Sold 106 easily. Sold 104 w electrical upgrades.
  • Paid off debt.
  • We bought our current house, invested $20k into upgrades and paid off debt.
  • Mini van died. Bought an Elantra.
  • I got Graves’ disease.
  • Ann Marie’s dad had a tumour found in his chest.
  • Grave’s disease almost killed me.
  • Ann Marie’s dad had open chest surgery to remove the tumour.
  • Ann Marie’s grandmother had a heart attack.
  • Ann Marie dropped out of second year the second time.
  • Ann Marie’s complete breakdown

2015

  • Cashed out our RRSPs. Paid off debt.
  • Things get better. We start to feel normal.
  • Ann Marie got a job as a PSW.
  • Ann Marie attempts second year again.

2016

  • Remortgaged the house. Paid off debt.
  • Ann Marie passes second year.
  • Ann Marie gets a job in the renal unit at KGH as a PCA.
  • Millie’s mom Flora dies.
  • Ann Marie’s grandmother keeps having heart attacks and needs a valve surgery.
  • Ann Marie starts third year.

2017

  • Applied for OSAP. Approve. Paid off debt.
  • Ann Marie passes third year.
  • Ann Marie gets a job in the renal unit at KGH as a PCA.
  • Ann Marie’s grandmother had her valve surgery and her dementia got way worse.
  • Ann Marie’s great-uncle Josh died.
  • Ann Marie’s cousin Rita died.

Learning a lot…

So of all the things I’m learning in the garden this year (my first real attempt at a big garden) timing is the most important.

I grew zucchinis, tomatoes, and cucumbers inside and they took no time at all before they had outgrown their shelf. I was struggling to keep them under control and they were starving for sunlight and soil. That was dumb. They can be planted early May.

On the other hand I planted flowers in May and now have a shelf of 36 marigolds and a shelf of 36 pansies that I’m waiting on. I needed to plant those end March so they would be hearty by May 24.

End of March – Mint, Strawberries, Marigolds, Nolana’s (maybe), and Pansies.
Mid-April for Zinnia’s They grew fast but still went out too early.
Early May – Zucchini’s, Tomatoes, Cucumbers.

That should get me more on track for next year.