My daughter’s rules for dating.

As I was typing this I could see that I have a serious gender-role-bias in my mind that I’m trying desperately hard to get over, under, or around. I’m also all over the place on this issue and I can’t seem to organize my thoughts. Feedback would be most welcome.

I have 9 year old daughters who will eventually grow up and jump into the wild world of dating and sex. Unless they join a convent… which is only likely for one of them. Anyway, I am conflicted on my opinion on these matters in this modern world.

Opening doors, pulling out chairs, giving flowers, writing love poems. Do these things still happen? Are fathers still threatening violence to “protect” their daughters from would-be suitors as if the matter was beyond the control of their daughter? Do we still pretend that teenage boys are the only ones who want to fuck and act like men are the hunter and women are the prey?

I never dated much. I was too busy with my computer until I found an internet girlfriend. I’m not sure I would have noticed girls otherwise. I sought out digital breasts (and still do!). I raided my parent’s friend’s computer files, dialed into BBS systems and eventually the internet came along and solved all my sex-shortage-problems. So yeah I never asked out girls but I had lots of friends who did. They would go to dances, dinners, movies, walks downtown, etc. all in pursuit of a kiss, or hand-holding or the mythical breast fondle! I wonder do 10-16 year olds still do that?

What is or maybe what was dating? A chance to talk privately mostly and test compatibility? Text messages handle that now. You can text a girl all day and all night until you know her mind. So with private conversations and getting to know one another off the table dating now could now be summarized as expensive pre-sex pageantry, right? Teens don’t have any money anyway so this seems grossly unnecessary.

I had many girl friends in high school. They were all just buddies until Emily. Emily and I were the closest of friends. We didn’t have to have sex but there was an attraction so we did. Is that it? Was it that I loved her so much that I wanted our bodies to become one or did I see her youthful breasts and child bearing hips and want to impregnate her to pass on my genetic material? The former could just be romantic nonsense. What was real and what is pageantry?

Women held all the power when I was a kid/teen. All of it. Boys used to spend Friday nights with their guy friends wondering how they could get into this girl or that girl’s pants. We used to joke that a girl could have sex whenever and wherever she wanted.

In his podcast, Blow Hard, Ryan Malcolm summarized this phenomenon perfectly when he said “The male libido is only checked by a woman’s good sense.”

In the modern world all signs point to the wine and dine as a waste of time with regards to courtship. Of course it’s still valid for couples to spend time together this way but I think gone are the days when you spot a boy and girl who are obviously on their first date in a restaurant with their parents two tables over.

My buddy Chad said he just had to give women “the look” at The Grizzly Grill and sometimes all he actually said to them was “Do you have a place we can go?” You don’t even need that anymore with apps like Tinder.

Women are free and sex is simpler and quicker to get to. Is this a better world for women?

My friend Nikki was inundated with dick-pics so much she said Tinder was a total waste of time. Most messages were essentially, “want to hook up?”. She found one man who was out of town and seemed really sweet. They messaged for months until he was finally in town and he sent the notorious message, “want to hook up?”. She was like, “really?!”.

Hookup culture completely ignores our biology when it comes to mating and biochemical attachment.

 You may want to fuck but you might be doing something that can cause you serious emotional damage. Evolution has played a nasty trick on modern women by chemically creating emotional connection to the men they bed. No doubt this was to secure protection and resources for their offspring but now… now it’s just a depressing side effect of fucking for fun. My friend told me that after their divorce his ex-wife fucked 9 guys in 18 months and then complained to him that she felt like a piece of meat. Was that not what she wanted? Expected?

I read an article about 20-somethings on Tindr in NYC. Here are some awesome quotes in the article from women:

  • “It’s a contest to see who cares less, and guys always win at caring less”
  • “I had sex with a guy and he ignored me as I got dressed and I saw he was back on Tinder”

What the men were saying in this article:

  • “Romance is completely dead, and it’s the girls’ fault”
  • “They act like all they want is to have sex with you and then they yell at you for not wanting to have a relationship. How are you gonna feel romantic about a girl like that? Oh, and by the way? I met you on Tinder.
  • “Too easy…”

The ready availability of sex provided by dating apps actually be making men respect women less. The expression “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” is conservative and reeks of christian abstinence rhetoric but it’s the way most of my currently single guy friends think of women.

In that article this was my favourite quote:

  • “To compete with the more spirited of the girls on Tindr more conservative girls might be forced to compromise their values to their own emotional detriment.”
On that depressing note lets get back to my daughters.

My daughter’s rules for dating.

  1. You are a complete person. Be happy alone. Only then are you ready to date.
  2. Get to know someone. A good intimate relationship stems from a good friendship.
  3. Sexual contact of any kind must only be with someone you respect, trust, and care about and, equally important, someone who trusts, respects, and cares about you.
  4. Birth control and safe sex, duh.
  5. Date. Go outside. Actually spend time with each other. See how the other person reacts in every possible situation, with people, in private, in public, while drunk, while angry, while sad. See how they cope with death. Do they keep a clean house?
  6. b. See how they react when you don’t want to have sex with them.
  7. Change your mind and use your body anyway you feel comfortable but don’t compromise your body or values for anyone.
  8. It’s always ok to say no, even if you have said yes before. See rule 6.b.

If you took the time to read this article I’d love to know what you think. Please comment.

Footnote : I’ve been notified that boys actually start trying in their 30s and 40s. To this I say, “maybe women just learned how to spot the assholes.”


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