So in 2011 I have a nervous breakdown. It took me a few months of suffering before I talked to a doctor and got some help. After asking if I was suicidal (I was but said I wasn’t because I didn’t want to be committed.) he prescribed me some anti-anxiety SSRIs. They were mind altering. In particular this one drug, lorazepam, just wiped the brain clean. Within minutes of taking it you were not just relaxed but content and happy in such a way that nothing bothers you; work, money, life, death; nothing. The only other time I felt like that was when I smoked weed in high school.
After taking loraz one night I started writing this poem and kept writing as I drifted into it’s encroaching haze.
Trying to feel more sane.
Trying to do these things.
Took my pill just now.
Only seconds to say just how.
No stress. No pain.
No sadness. Wow.
It’s all perfect here…
in the cloud.
Take it again you can see it’s gone.
Tell me again how long is not long.
‘need drugs to live’ writ on my tomb.
For all to see when loved ones loom.
I’ll nurse this snake back to health
to bite me as soon as it’s well.
Did I miss something or did we?
It’s in the fabric of reality.
Took my pill I’ll once more whirl.
Train of thought not long for the world.
Weeks since pills kept thoughts in place
Brain too weak, vacant, out of phase.
Panic melts and colors rush in
I’m gone but I can now function.
That’s it for the sitting when I wrote this but I later wrote a couple of options for a chorus if I were to take this poem to the song level.
Light a fire. Watch it burn.
Ashes to ashes soon your turn.
Watch as embers lose their life
You tell me why I should fight.
Benzo balm soaks through my brain.
Surrender the fight. A coward? Damn right.
At least I’ll sleep tonight.
I flip flop. Please feel free to leave a comment.