Vegans. Uhg.

It’s time for a rant.

Not all vegans piss me off. The self-righteous ones who think I’m a monster because I eat dairy and meat… they piss me off, big time!

Before I start I’d like to say that if you don’t like meat or dairy and that’s why you’re a vegan I can respect that. If you’re doing it for any other reason I think you’re an idiot.

Wait! Even if you’re an idiot you should hear me out. I agree that we should all consume less dairy and meat for health and environmental reasons. We should also stop subsidizing corn and using public land for grazing. We should also force livestock out of the factory setting and back into the field in addition to removing all growth hormones and preventative antibiotics. These changes would make the price of meat accurately reflect the cost of raising an animal and would thereby lower consumption. Fuck the poor. They can eat cats, dogs and rats like they used to in the good ol’ days. I’m joking. The poor would need a directed protein and dairy subsidy… which was the subsidized corn… to lower the price of meat and dairy for the poor… see where this is going?

Okay here we go;

  1. We’re herders. Animals literally store tons of energy in their milk, eggs and meat. When humankind realized this and started to consume them our nutrition was increased significantly and our lifespans were greatly increased as well. That is the only reason we kept them around.
  2. The paradox. If we didn’t eat chickens, turkeys, cows or pigs, they wouldn’t exist. Domestic livestock exist solely for us to eat them or their byproducts. If we released all domestic animals into the wild they’d go extinct like every other animal in the way of “human progress”. Humans are an awful, destructive species; that’s not in dispute.
  3. We’re predators. Our eyes are located on the front of our head not on the sides of our heads. This means evolutionarily we evolved to hunt.
  4. We’re omnivores. Our vestigial appendix indicates that our species was once herbivorous. Its transformation to a bacterial storage facility and ticking time bomb indicates we’ve evolved since to incorporate meat into our diets.
  5. Globalization. Without globalization it would not be possible to consume all the products necessary to have a healthy vegan diet. Globalization is also responsible for the current state of the meat industry. Let me map it out for you. You can only be a healthy vegan because of globalization. Globalization (by lowering the cost of meats and dairy) is why we consume an unhealthy amount of meat and dairy and are thereby hurting our bodies and the environment. If saving our bodies and environment is why you’re a vegan, you’re an idiot.

I think being a vegan is a simple yet extreme response to a legitimate and complicated problem. Write your government about returning meat and dairy to their true price, buy organic free range, or raise your own livestock. Most importantly, and all I really care about, don’t tell me what to do. Assholes.


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