Get the good while the getting’s good.

{Undated.}

Eliza and I are almost a month old. This is good. I really like her and I recognize the emotions that she gives me. She makes me happy. Extremely. But I cannot help but let old habits die hard. I worry about small tones in her voice, or a quick goodbye here and there. It’s stupid  know. But I just want her to be happy all the time.

Because if she is happy then she is with me and we’ll last forever but as soon as something sounds a little off I get all weird.

She is babysitting tonight, well she was babysitting, Now she sleeps soundly and happily blissfully in love with her boyfriend. Completely oblivious to the contemplations of true emotions that he… I am going through. It is nothing to worry about for her. It’s just a matter of me having to stop worrying so much about her happiness 100 percent of the time. Obviously nobody can be happy that long.

Sex. Things are progressing with Eliza a lot faster than I originally expected. I did not expect sexual exploration below the belt for at least a few months. {It was the 90s. My head would have probably exploded if I was born a millennial.} It happened. I did not think it was bad AT ALL! Just unanticipated.

She is getting birth control. To me she says its for all the good reasons except for sex. But theres a part of me that worries the opportunity may arise and she may want to.

I am not ready for an emotional commitment as large as that again. It scares me, and I am terrified that I will not be able to say no.

[ … ] saying no to sex is like me saying no to good food. I’d eat free (good) food, even on a full stomach, I would eat it if it wasn’t good for me. I’m afraid my views on sex are much the same. I will try to resist, but no promises.

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