The beginning of the end.

I tried to break up with Emily last night. I really don’t know why.

Why does one try to break up the one thing, the one driving force of motivation in his or her life?

Maybe a desperate attempt at change? Maybe, in my case, a cover for something that could have never come out in any other circumstances?

I do not trust her, and instead of telling her I hide it. Any chance that she may find out or I may have to tell her I run away.

I knew it would hurt her to know that I cannot trust her after the whole Gord situation. But it’s the truth. I thought that breaking up with her would have been easier on her than finding out that I never trusted her. I was wrong, so so wrong.

As soon as I started to break up, or tel her I wanted to leave she started yelling of course… and crying… and swearing… but something inside all of that made me want to stay. I can’t see her hurt.

After hours of fighting, two and a half or more, she and I started talking. And she got it out of me.

The problem is now that I feel better that it’s off my chest but look at what I’ve put onto hers. She now has seen me try to break up with her. I do not know if she is OK, or bad, or suicidal. And to make matters worse she hasn’t called.

Normally she would have called an hour ago. It would normally be nothing to worry about, but under these circumstances I have no choice but to.

Stupidly, I think the worst, like she is out with another guy. One of the filths from her work, but I truly do not know where she is. I thought that maybe she’s at the dentist because her mom mentioned it, and then they probably went out  to dinner. Yeah that’s it. I don’t know. I’m worried about her.

Just for a few moments I’m going to get off this depressing topic and write about school.

Em just called. No explanation. I’m going to see her for coffee. I’ll write about school soon.


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