A letter to Emily

{Undated.}

Emily,

I write to you in fear. I am afraid that you are afraid of me. I am afraid that you are unsure of your future with me. What scares me the most is that you, if even for a moment, or an hour, minute or day, think that you would be happier with Gord.

You then went to him, not days before, said he would accept the decision despite the outcome as long as you were happy. I do not know the details, but when you told him the truth he did not live up to his original statement and through whatever method convinced you that what you were feeling was wrong.

I know that your feelings are never so easily depressed. I have seen tonight that they were still there. This is very weird for me. I see you love me but I also see you hiding and suppressing these feelings when you are around me.

If you’re curious I feel your love in the way that you touch me. I can see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice. As weird as it may seem I can even feel your love coming through the messages coming over ICQ.

This massive amount of signals and emotions that I see and feel in you are what makes it so hard for me to see you still with Gord. He refuses to let you go although he knows you’ll be happy and you’ve already made the decision to this effect. This does not make me feel good. It seems to me that he is more serving his own wants than allowing you to be happy. I know that you want to follow your true feelings. It hurts me to think that you have tried to leave him and failed. All I want is for you to keep trying. I want you to be happy and I know that you and I belong together. We would be happy together. When you come down to it that’s all that really matters in life.

You said to me that you were scared to follow your feelings, and I cannot help but wonder why you had the guts to do it in the first place. Why did you start down this road if you could not follow through. I know you are scared but if you wish to be happy and believe you can find it in me, then you should not be held back by anyone.

Look at me. I follow my feelings and that is why I am so close to you. My feelings say I love you and feelings do not lie. That is why following them is the only sure way to be happy. I know what you are thinking; what do I know about difficulty in following feelings? Let me ask you this; do you think I was following my heart or brain when I went to Gord’s house to talk to him that night? To tell him that I love you and that you deserve better. I was following my heart. It could have ended badly. It could have gotten me into a fight. It was the right thing to do, I felt it in my heart.

{Oh my God! I forgot that I did go to talk to him in barracks after I had slept with his girlfriend, twice! I was pissed that he wouldn’t let Emily go. I wanted to see what he was thinking. I was so mad when he didn’t even seem like he cared. All I can remember was saying “Emily is amazing.” and all he said was “I know”. Argh!}

You know in your heart what you want and I know the truth would make you happy and I know that it would make me happy too. You have to find the power in yourself that I know is there.

Use the power I see in you daily that makes you stand up to guys who hurt your best friend or the power that keeps you from blowing up and my friends to preserve the us in our relationship.

I think I should stop writing. It has been a couple of hours. I don’t know when you’re going to come across this letter to read it so I’ll probably want to read it to you over the phone. I have to stop now or my hand is going to fall off.

I love you and I know you love me too.

Andrew

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