Hey you!

{Undated. Moving to March based on info in this entry.}

I haven’t written in so long because I’ve never had a clear thought in my head for months. I love Emily. I know that I want to be with her and can be with her. She just has to dump Gord. She will. It’s going to be very hard. On her, and sort of on me. I do not know how to act. Do I simply console when it happens? Maybe. Am I immediately her boyfriend, or are we just ‘engaged’ to go out? {Yay! Proper use of quotations! Proud moment!} I’m not sure. I think I will ask her tomorrow. {Don’t want to speak too quickly but it seems like I learned how to talk to a journal in these three months.}

My life for the last two months has been a constant roller coaster of loving Emily, hating Emily, ignoring Emily, making Emily everything to me, hating myself, loving myself, suicidal, homicidal, stereotypical LOVE TRIANGLE. I am pleased to be able to say I am going to be the winner. I love Emily. I will be with her for a long, loooong time. {Not true.} We will love each other forever. {True.}

We have kissed three times while she’s been going out with Gord and she’s been in this love triangle thing.

Our first kiss was in the 1000 Islands. Just before the off ramp she relates a dream she had recently. In the dream she tells me that she was hugging me and it felt warm and “right”. She asks if we can hug to see if what she is feeling is real life as well as the dream. I agree and move to the off ramp. We find a spot, unbuckle our seat belts and hug. She loves it like she did in the dream. She looks at me and asks if we could kiss.

We had discussed it many times to see how we felt about each other, but nothing ever came of it, until this moment. I never really knew what to do {I remember this like it was yesterday. I was so scared. I had only ever kissed Katrina twice and I knew her ‘FRENCH’ method of kissing wasn’t the example I should follow. Didn’t seem right. I didn’t know anything; Do I lean in? Does she lean in? Should I lick my lips? What if she sees me lick my lips? Now? No, too late. Now? When? It’s been too long of a pause. Now it’s awkward. Oh God! Terrifying but so sweetly intense.}, but all the perfect songs were playing on the radio, and everything just worked. With constant encouragement on both sides (Us agreeing ‘this is going to happen eventually anyway’) we plucked up the nerve and kissed. It blew me away. It was the best minute of my life. I knew then for sure that I loved her.

Our second kiss was after I got my dragon tattoo on my right shoulder. My dad called me an idiot a few times, took away my car keys, cell phone, everything. I left and started walking to Jeff’s. {On the other side of town. Would have taken me a while but my dad picked me up a km down the road and took me there. He was mad but my father is anything but cruel.} (Jeff wasn’t home.) My mom called and, being so pissed off with the situation, threatened to throw me out of the house, in so many words. {I have a hunch this isn’t true. I think I wrote this in my journal for dramatic effect. There is nothing I can think of that would make my mom do that.} Emily called me. She could tell I was hurting. She came and got me from outside Jeff’s house to stay the night at her house. {Maybe I made up the kicked out story so someone *cough* Emily would have to take me in… just guessing. I can’t remember.}

We stayed up until 2:00am holding each other and showing an obvious physical attraction. We necked for a few minutes {That’s the kiss.} before we went to bed.

The next day we were watching A&E Richard Ramirez and we were close, to the point of backrub, necking, etc. {Maybe necking isn’t kissing. I’m confused. I don’t speak 90s that well anymore.} She put her hand on my leg and I saw that as a green light and we started to kiss. {There it is! What the heck is necking?} It messed her up so much that she went for the rum. Don’t ask because I don’t know why either.

The last occurred on Friday. Today is the Monday after. {Still doesn’t see the need to date his ‘free thoughts’. What a dick.} We were driving. We went to Smith Falls. We drove back and talked. She put her hand on my leg as a part of our conversation. I {Four pages ripped out here but it doesn’t seem to effect the story.} jokingly put it closer but she did not pull away or hesitate so I put it to the point of touching. {Touching what? Ha!} She hinted to pull over. {Oh my god that’s hot.} I know a perfect spot. We went to the locks at Kingston Mills. I parked and we fooled around. We kissed. She was stroking and playing with the tip of my dick through my pants. I was stroking her breast as we stayed close. 10-15 minutes, half an hour, I don’t remember. Later we had to leave but when I threw it in reverse I saw that all the windows were fogged up to the point that I couldn’t even see headlights coming.

That was weird yet really cool.

She also, in the caf, ‘stroked me’ under the table as a dare. After she did it she wondered if it was just because of the dare. I asked her how many other guys she would have done that with. She said good point.

All this and she is still dating Gord. That is the only thing about her that bothers me. The necklace is also annoying. I would really hate it if I hadn’t played with it with my tongue when we were necking {There’s that word again. Urban dictionary says we had clothes on and we were touching each other’s necks. Simple enough.} when I slept over at her house.

I can’t write anymore. I’m going to write more tomorrow. 

{Marginalia} All this stuff (love, desire, and beauty.) I said of Katrina, it is what I felt for her. Until now. I know now the difference between infatuation, desire, and love. I love Emily. I merely wanted Katrina as a girlfriend, as horrible as that makes me sound.



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