Sober as a daisy.

{Undated.}

It is over. I have ended the constant pollution of my body. Mental pollution can never be stopped but as for chemical pollution I deliberately put in my body, it is over. {For now. LOL}

I cannot explain or begin to describe the emptiness it leaves, nor can I presume to understand myself. {These vapid non-statements are driving me crazy. It’s almost pointless to write this down. Yet I did. Fascinating…}

Two wants or needs in my life that remain constant were woman and drugs. I never had a woman, and now that I don’t have drugs to make me “feel” “happy” (two words which mean less and less as time goes on.)

Even if this anti-drug thing does work, which I seriously doubt {at least I’m being realistic.}, I’ll still have the reputation of a pot head. I don’t know who I am and that scares me. {I don’t know why I was so scared to just let life come as it may} 

Let’s go through the reasons that drugs are no longer in my daily routine.

  1. Friday I was going to be jumped for my bud because everyone else was dry.
  2. The gateway drug concept scares me. I vowed never to do drugs harder that organics, and last night I took PCP. Scary shit. {PCP makes you feel drunk without the hangover. Not sure what 1998 me was scared of. I know he did it again… and again… and again.}
  3. Waste of money.
  4. Chad quit, so the two people I hang around with most are both clean as a whistle, so it’s over.
  5. Who cares?! Drugs suck for all these reasons. I think I may still smoke bud occasionally, but I will not pay for q’s or half o’s.

Anyways, for a while now I’ve been looking for a way to express myself. I could never find it. I looked at writing music, rhymes could never work for me. My art, emotional and powerful {humble guy.}, only if seen through my own eyes. {… so I think it’s good and only I can see why it’s good?} I was motivated temporarily to create a comic book, maybe illustrating my life, the fun I have doing drugs or whatever, but like everything else I start, it never even made it into the air. Best way not to crash I guess. {That’s a defeatist attitude… 😦 }

Jeff and Chad are now both attached at the hip to a member of the opposite sex. {Why couldn’t I have just said they have girlfriends?! Fucks sake. This was Nikki for Jeff and i can’t remember who Chad would have been with, maybe LJ.} So if I go with them on a Friday, I’m the lucky 5th wheel. I can’t do it, I won’t do it.

Anyways, my grand realization is that I never had to express myself in other ways or get myself noticed. My writing in this book is the best expression anyone could ask for! {Question asked and answered. 🙂 } 

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