Loneliness and pseudo philosophy.

{Undated.}

The pain of wanting another is too hard for me to bear. Every girl I meet now I think of her as a possible girlfriend. {Look at me almost romanticizing the sexual awakening of puberty.}

If you travel faster than light, you are racing reality. You are in a race you cannot win, but yet humanity strives to be in this race, and try to win, we are an extremely stubborn species. {Original word was ‘race’ not ‘species’ but that seemed wrong, even to quote from the source. I have no idea what I’m talking about. Why is the human race racing light? I don’t get it.}

I think I’m starting to get pissed off, for real this time, with Jeff. {I got mad at Jeff a lot. He took a lot of his frustrations out on his friends.} Other times I’d just be a little angry  or upset, but now he’s just pissing me off constantly! He is such a child. We can’t have a civilized conversation, we can’t even play fucking scrabble without him purposely trying to aggravate or piss me off. Don’t get me wrong, he can be a really great person but really, is it really worth it? He doesn’t really do anything except piss me off.

None of my friends, except Chad, leave me alone for five minutes without name calling. We’re not five anymore! Friends aren’t supposed to call friends names. What the fuck is wrong with these people? {I moved a lot so I spent a lot of my life making new friends. I also, because of my lazy eye and cleft lip, spent a lot of my life finding new bullies and dodging insults. It gave me a thick skin but a low tolerance for abusive relationships. Jeff was a very good friend but also very antagonistic. It left me conflicted. He had a weight problem so his pokes or prods were never related to my appearance. I believe he knew that was off limits.}

They make me feel so horrible about myself. They make me want to leave. But when I do they call me a baby. {Awe, muffin.} And when I fight back I’m becoming as bad as them! I’ve tried countless times to talk to them, but they say it’s all for fun.

Maybe they have fun. But feeling bad and not wanting to be there while they insult me til’ I want to cry is not my idea of fun!

You would think that these people were more enemies than could ever be friends, but surprisingly enough, my best friend is the head ass hole.

Yup, that’s Jeff and for some reason, he’s proud of it. He doesn’t even care, and that’s the worst part of all.

I try to think of all the nice things they do for me, but the insults hurt more than all the favours or comfort that they can provide.

I hate myself for saying this, but they are my friends. Maybe it’ll get better, someday.

Andrew

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