Natalie got in my head.

{Undated.}

Regret is a painful emotion. I regret going out with Katrina. Every time I think of Natalie I can’t believe how stupid I was. Don’t get me wrong, I totally enjoyed Katrina’s company. {Yeah we know we have the journal entries to prove it.} but I find myself more and more thinking about Natalie, and wanting her back. {Of course you want her back. She knew you, made you laugh, treated you with respect, talked filthy to you via cyber sex. Ironically I’ve spent the better portion of my marriage with one ‘internet girlfriend’ or another so I didn’t really need to dump Natalie at all. JC told her before I could have made a plan so what can you do?}  I’m looking for an extraordinary way to apologize, like getting her poetry published, or writing her a song, or something. I’ll never get her back, I know. I hate the thought of her hating me. A LOT! I’ve stopped recording the date in this damn book. {You annoying little fucker. You know how much of a pain in the ass that decision is?!} Just because emotions and thoughts can’t be defined to any date. {They really can… like the day you wrote it down. Ass.} I have so much stress from upcoming exams. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Anyways, as I was saying about Natalie, I find myself imagining what it would be like if she were here, or had she come for Xmas, I even pretend she’s here when I’m getting dressed or anything. {She got exactly what she wanted out of telling you she ‘could have’ come.} I know it’s retarded but my mind is stuck on this girl. I’ve removed everything that reminded me of her from my room but it seems like that made it worse. now she’s not with me at all. I liked it when Tiny was looking over me. Oh well. Live and let die.

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