Sunday, January 11, 1998.

Hey! Last Thursday, freezing rain! {Ice Storm 1998} School was cancelled. It seemed all good at first but when the power went out, it got fucking cold, and bored out of my mind. It really blew. I was hoping for a day off but tomorrow will be my fifth day home. It totally messed my whole schedule with Joanne.

I’ve been in a bad mood for a while now. I don’t know why. I think it’s because of all the time I’ve had to spend with my family. I hate to say stuff like that but it’s true. I’m starting to find Jeff annoying, finally. Ha ha! He’s always around. I don’t mind much, I think it’s just because I’m pissed off at everything. I can’t even beat a damn mission in Mech-Warrior 2. That’s how discouraged I am. I’ve been thinking a lot recently. Just thoughts about life.

I asked myself yesterday if everyone had a purpose in life. I used to think so. Now when I see all the decay in society, the hunger, and the crime I start to think like God just forgot about some of us. I fear neglect from God, {I was raised Anglican; church every Sunday; prayers every night before bed. Even when my family stopped going I never stopped feeling the call.} as though I am helpless in this world, as though I’m controlled all the time by someone, in some way. I wonder if I don’t make myself noticed and don’t get anywhere in life was there ever any point in existing? These thoughts scare me but I can’t help but think about them. It always helps to write it. It’s as though I’m adding pain to someone else’s life by doing so. Who is more important? I don’t know.

Is it wrong to hold on to Natalie? I took all the things that had anything to do with her out of my room or hid them. Except for Tiny. {No memory of this Tiny…} I can’t bring myself to get rid of him. He means too much to me to just throw him out. He, in some way, is my only connection to Natalie. Maybe emotionally, or something deeper, I don’t know. There is no way I’ll ever see her again, it makes me so sad.

I don’t let anyone inside me. They can do too much damage. I am too sensitive to give anyone else control, or even the ability to hurt me. It’s easy to say but I know someone, maybe the next, will eventually get in. I just hope that she understands me enough to know how to hurt me but cares enough not to, no matter what.

Through anything, I know I can hurt girls emotionally, but never purposely, always unintentional. Just acting like a teenager. But through anything, I never would use their emotions against them. When Katrina was making my life a living hell, I never EVER, would have, or did, use her problems against her, it just didn’t come into my mind.

{I wish I could have said more but it was teenage rambling. Best to leave it be. No sign off.}


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