Saturday, January 3, 1998.

Hey, I can’t trust my parents anymore. They know about the whole pot situation. I never got to go to Ottawa. They are simply delaying the inevitable. They know this. So they aren’t going to stop me from going any more. {I was so mad. I felt like my trust was violated. This was the first of two times they would read my journal. Or the first of two instances they felt were important enough to interject into my life.}

I cleaned up my act at Christmas. Naturally. But yet, I feel no spirit at all. For some cold, dark reason I felt nothing in my heart. Maybe it was all the arguing with mom that made me sad, who knows.

Parents let me pass out drunk new years eve. Sick sick sick! Couldn’t even walk the next day. I will never, never again go that far. {Infamous words, never respected.}

Stupid, disrespectful, brother took pictures of me and made fun of me. He can be such an asshole sometimes. I don’t understand why he can’t be nice to me in front of his friends instead of showing off. As if he’s that low. {I got so blitzed. My parents let me drink myself stupid that night. They probably wanted to get me into booze, the legal drug, rather than weed, the illegal drug. After I passed out he and his friends put empty bottles all around me and made it look like I was a drunk. Too funny! I would have done the same thing if I were in his shoes. I thank God there was no Facebook back then.}

I can’t help but think of Natalie in these past weeks. I mean, she was going to be here. I could have talked to her and held her. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? BULLSHIT. {Dude, I’m pretty sure she just told you that so you would feel worse about dumping her.}

Going to school tomorrow! Woo fucking hoo. Get to see my friends again. Well, I never bothered to call them on the holidays so who cares, right? {If only you knew how little you get to see your friends in your 20s. You have a falling out with JC in 2004 you haven’t reconciled by 2016… 12 years later. Then friends all but vanish in your 30s while you all try to get by in the world. You might have appreciated seeing the boys a little more.} I just hate facing Katrina. I really hope she’s dumped. She doesn’t deserve a boyfriend. She told all kinds of girls what a bad boyfriend I was and why. So whenever they see me I feel really uncomfortable. I’m sure I’m not that big of a deal to them, but it’s still there, and they know.

Well since I’m going back to school I have to find a dealer who can hook me up with you know what.

I’ve deleted all “non-essential”or people I haven’t met in real life off my ICQ list. Never again will my life go so low.



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